Ramblings of an insomniac

Sometimes, I wish I could see myself through someone else’s eyes. When I look in the mirror, I see an overweight, middle aged woman with wrinkles. I feel asexual to the rest of the world. But I’m not. My husband still gets turned on by me. I have a 36 year old guy telling me that he is turned on by me. This past summer, I even turned on a woman (37 years old) and I made her orgasm.

I’m not asexual. I’m honestly not sure what makes me attractive to anyone else. But I think part of it is that I enjoy sex, and I enjoy talking about it. I’m not going to pretend it’s something nasty, and needs to be hidden. I’m a red blooded adult, and I have no problem admitting what turns me on, and gets me going.

But I’m still puzzled. I get hit on fairly frequently, and I don’t know why. I don’t post pictures of other women, and claim it’s me. What you see online is just me.

I’ve been told that I’m easy to love. I’ve been told that my honesty is rare, and it’s a turn on. I’ve been told the pictures of curvy women I post are a turn on.

I am just me, I don’t know how to be anything else. I have a hard time lying to anyone. And I just don’t see the purpose of it. I have no need to try to impress anyone else. I have been lied to, and promised things by someone who had no intention of doing what they said. It hurts to know that I wasn’t even worth their honesty.

I try to respect other people. I don’t make promises that I don’t intend to keep. Sometimes I fail at keeping them, but I don’t intentionally lie.

I’m tired. I’ve had 4 hours of sleep. These early morning posts are basically me rambling. People are attracted to my honesty, but sometimes I am not met with the same honesty. I’m not going to lie, it does hurt. But I’m trying to let go of things I can’t control, and trying to accept people for the flawed human beings they are.

People can’t be what I want them to be, just because I want it. There is a relief in letting go of expectations, but there is a certain amount of hurt that goes with it.

Blah. I am rambling. I started out with wanting to see myself how other people see me. Instead, I focused on how I see people I’ve interacted with. I expect people to treat me the way I treated them, but life doesn’t work that way. Courtesy isn’t always returned. Honesty is not always returned. Some people have a very different view of what is reality and truth.

I’m not a fake person. I don’t want to live my life that way. If you don’t like me for who I am, that isn’t my problem. I will not pretend to be someone I am not. That sucks for me at times, because I tend to freeze up during interviews. I can’t be the happy, peppy they want me to be.

I can’t act. I don’t see the point in it. Sometimes I am too blunt for people. This past week, I had someone call me dear after I asked him not to. He got offended, and actually blocked me when I told him that it ticks me off. Did he think I was supposed to let him approach me in a too familiar manner when he’s a stranger to me? Not happening.

I don’t have the energy to be polite to people who irritate me. I deserve respect even if they don’t think that I do. People will treat you how you let them treat you. I will not be talked down to.

I’ve had arguments over me objecting to pet names. I don’t care if you call the queen of England “dear” I will not accept it. You don’t have that right. To some people, that makes me a bitch. So be it. I’d rather be a bitch, than a door mat.

At this point, I’m clearly in a sleep deprived rant. Some things just bug me. Being lied to bothers me. Being talked down to bothers me. Someone expecting me to be ok with their lies bothers me.

I don’t think expecting honesty is asking for too much from someone. I don’t think expecting respect from someone is asking too much. I am a basically honest person, and I do believe people should be honest. Honesty seems to attract people, but a dishonest person will not know how to handle an honest person.

I treat people with respect. I try to honor boundaries. I don’t appreciate people trying to cross mine. Unless they’re 6’4, and named David, they don’t have permission to address me with pet names.

I am a mess this morning. I do wonder how people see me. I have no idea why anyone is attracted to me. And the same things that attract me to some people, repels other people. Frankly, at my age, I don’t care. I am going to be me. It took me a long time to accept myself, it doesn’t matter to me who approves of me, or not.

Life is so funny, ironic, and weird. I am funny, ironic, and weird. I know that not everyone is going to like me, and I’m am perfectly fine with that. But you know what? I do require that people are honest with me. I don’t have many places in my life for dishonest people. I don’t like dealing with people who think they can disrespect me.

And this post just made me realize that I need to back away from certain people. Life goes on, but that doesn’t mean I need to deal with some people. Some people can’t handle an honest person, because they are so full of their own deceit. I will be me. And I won’t water myself down because others are too weak to handle me.


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