I started this blog almost two years ago on the advice of a friend. I had no idea what to write about. Or if I could even write. A few months later, I came out as bisexual. My blog has been part of my journey in life, seeing things in print often helps me decipher my own feelings.
I wrote often about my feelings for J. It’s still hard to imagine that I fell for someone online, and who was 18 years younger than I am. It was possible, and it did happen. I always knew there wasn’t a chance of us having a real relationship. After all, I’m married to my soul mate, and love him immensely. But there was a reason that it happened. He needed me to prepare him for his own soul mate. I needed him to accept who I am, and to teach me some lessons (however painful) that I needed to learn. It was a rather wild and strange journey, but I’m glad I took it. I will forever regret the pain I caused my husband, but that was unavoidable.
Sometimes, when I read those old posts again, I wonder what the hell was I thinking. But I wasn’t thinking, I was just going with my emotions. Some things are needed to happen. And I needed him to make them happen. For some reason, God/fate decided that I needed to accept the fact that I’m bisexual.
I wrote about my feelings for T. T was the first lesbian I had much contact with. It was all online, but I managed to fall for her too. I needed her friendship, and I learned so much from it. We’re both married to our own soul mates, but that didn’t prevent my feelings for her. But I always respected her marriage, and never wanted to interfere. We rarely talk anymore, but she shows up once in a while.
I wrote about my husband. He’s a wonderful man, and I really don’t deserve him. I hurt him badly by having feelings for J. Oddly enough, he wasn’t hurt by me having feelings for T, because he never saw her as a threat.
I didn’t come out as bisexual until I was 46. I honestly didn’t know that I was. It sounds stupid, but I was literally ignorant that the feelings I had meant that. It was a shock to my husband when I told him I was bi. He said he thought it was a phase. (I had mentioned to him before that looking at women turned me on, but I always said it made me want a man) He didn’t know how to react when I told him. It hurt him to know that I wanted to explore that side of me. He eventually agreed to give me the opportunity to if it arose. I wasn’t supposed to go looking for it.
But I answered an ad on Craigslist that a lesbian posted. She said she wanted friends. We went out to see a movie the first time, and her daughter came along. The second time, we walked around the mall, went to the casino, had a pizza, then I drove out to a beach. We talked for hours, then it got sexual. That shocked me because I wasn’t expecting anything to happen. I told my husband about it the next day, and he was actually proud that I made her squirt.
Yep, these are the kinds of things I wrote about in this blog. It’s sort of a digital diary. My journal to the dark side. I used to consider myself a very boring, married, straight woman. I’m not straight, and never have been. I am married. It still shocks me to realize it will be 22 years in two months. And I’m not boring. I have some interesting stories to tell.
I am a bisexual, married woman. I have a husband, but I had a rather odd relationship with a lesbian too. It’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around that. But is it any stranger than falling in love with someone I only talked to online, and on the phone? You can’t imagine the strangeness of being married 21 years, and dating a female for the first time. But, this is my life. It did happen.
I wrote about me coming out as bi. The first family member I told said that I had the devil in me, and that I “need to get right”. Sorry, honey, there’s nothing wrong with me. God made this way. I didn’t choose to be bisexual, but the signs were there from the time I was 5 years old. The first person I told was my bisexual best friend. He talked me through the accepting it.
I’m kind of grateful that I did acknowledge it so much later in life. I had already accepted the idea that you can’t control who you are attracted to, or who you fall in love with. I had already accepted that God makes us what we are. So, when I did fall in love with a woman, it felt natural. I didn’t have any angst over it. We will ignore the fact that both of us are married, and it could never extend beyond friendship.
So, in less than two years’ time, I wrote about falling in and out of love with two very different people. I wrote about my husband, and our marriage. I wrote about coming out as bi. I wrote about the conflict of being married/monogamous, and wanting to explore the bi side. I wrote about my husband agreeing to let me explore. I wrote about dating a lesbian.
Sometimes I go on rants. Sometimes I use this as a passive aggressive way to tell someone off. Sometimes I just need to release steam. I blog because I can. It doesn’t matter to me if one, or one hundred people read it. I’m not going to lie, it’s nice to get likes and compliments, but that isn’t why I do it. I basically do it because I need to. I need to say it.
They say to tell your story, there might be someone out there who needs to hear it. Blogging has helped me connect with other people like me. It helps to not feel so alone. It helps to know that other people face the same conflicts. I can’t imagine anyone else facing what I’ve faced the last two years, but you never know.
I had someone ask me why I mention being bi so often. I’m not sure. I’m not doing it for attention. But it’s a part of me, and I’m still trying to come to terms with it. I’m not “normal” and I never had been. But being bisexual it more common than most people realize. Maybe by me talking about it, it could change someone else’s way of seeing it. I’m not a pervert, or immoral. I’m just me. And I’m just trying to make sense of all of this. So, this is why I blog.