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Monday moody blues

****************Trigger warnings**************

Lots of self loathing, and a massive pity party in progress

I can’t sleep. I’ve managed about four hours tonight. I’m tired, and I’m cranky. I thought about going to the beach to see the sunrise, but it was too late to go. So, I’m sitting in the basement, using the laptop. I was going to watch a TV show online, but I don’t want to be more depressed than I already am.

The last few days, I’ve been talking to someone online. He says he thinks I’m sexy, and sensual. Instead of making me feel better, it’s depressing me. It makes me feel old. And I’m not even sure why I’m having that reaction.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want attention from a male. Maybe it’s because he’s younger. Maybe it’s because the seasonal depression I get is showing up sooner than expected. I don’t know.

There are so many things going on that I don’t write about. But right now, it sort of feels like my life is falling apart at the seams. I don’t know which way to turn.

I have more in my life than most people, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I feel like too much, and not enough at the same time. I feel like my husband could do better in the wife department. I’m in one of those “I wish I didn’t exist” moods.

I’m not suicidal, I could never kill myself. But I wish I had never been born. I can’t see that I’ve done any good in this world. I don’t really have any friends. People I thought were friends have bailed on me.

It’s 6:20am, and I’m sitting in the basement, crying. Maybe it’s because there is a leak in the bathroom we can’t afford to fix. Maybe it’s because we have to rip up the carpet in the bathroom. Maybe it’s because I have an unexplained rash on my butt. I don’t know.

I’m not upset about my sexuality anymore. I’ve given up on the girlfriend idea. It doesn’t matter if I ever get to experience being with a woman. I’m attracted to women, but that doesn’t mean I care to explore that any further.

I like being monogamous. I like knowing that having sex with my husband is safe. I knowing that I don’t have to risk rejection by trying someone new.

I feel horrible for everything I’ve put my husband through in the past two years. He never deserved that kind of betrayal. I can’t do anything about being bisexual, but I could have prevented him being hurt by me loving someone else.

I couldn’t help falling in love with my friend, but I could have shut it down, and backed away. But I didn’t do that. I let my emotions continue. I try to make myself feel better by saying it was meant to happen. I still believe that, but it doesn’t take away the pain I caused David.

I suck as a human being. I can’t do anything right. In a family of fertile turtles, I had to be a dud. I couldn’t get pregnant. I thought I had come to terms with it, but it still hurts.

I have no purpose in life. I shouldn’t even be here. My own body tried to kill me 18 years ago. So many times I wish I had just fallen asleep, and bled out.

I am a freaking mess this morning. I know I need more sleep. I know I need a more positive outlook, but I don’t have either of those at the moment.

I’m exhausted. I’m mentally drained. Part of my problem is I feel like I’m mourning a loss. The friend I fell in love with? I’m not in love with him anymore, but I’ve had to back off even being a friend with him. We are still friends, but I’ve been trying to limit contact with him. And it hurts. I don’t want to have to let go, but I need to. For everyone’s sake. I went from talking to him for hours every night, from 9-10 months, to a few hours a week. I miss the conversations.

Screw this. Whining isn’t going to help anything. I miss what I had, but it’s gone. I need to work on maintaining my marriage, and my sanity. They say bisexuals have more mental health issues than most people. And it’s probably true.

David woke up, and came down to check on me. Thankfully my crying jag was over by then. I guess sometimes I need a mini meltdown to get it out of my system. I’ll be ok, I’m a survivor. I’ve survived natural disasters, stalkers and my own body trying to take me out. You can’t be strong 100% of the time, but as long as you get back up off the floor, you’ll be ok.

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