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I can’t come out to my mom

I just talked to my mom on the phone. I wanted to tell her the reason I don’t talk to my oldest brother, is because I’m bisexual, and I don’t want to be preached at. I couldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t give me the chance to talk.

She really doesn’t need to know. But at the same time, I feel like I’m lying and holding something back. I know she probably wouldn’t accept it, so why do I even feel the need to tell her? It’s not like I have a relationship with a woman that needs explaining.

I doubt that I ever will tell her. And part of me will always wonder if she would still me love me if she knew. I didn’t come out until I was 46. I got various reactions. Mostly bad ones from family members.

I don’t need anyone else’s approval on my life. As long as my husband can deal with things, I’m ok. But I can’t imagine losing my mom’s love. I can’t imagine the heartbreak kids go through when they come out to their parents, and are kicked out.

I’m 48 years old, and I still love my mom. But it sucks having the fear that that can be taken away just because of the way God made me. Believe me, it is not a choice. I don’t want to be this way. I just am. And I can’t change that any more than I can change my eye color.

Today is Coming Out Day. I can’t come out that one closet. I suppose one of my siblings could have told my mom, and she already knows. But I can’t be the one to do it. So, I go hide behind my husband, and pretend that I’m straight. But I’m not straight, and I never have been. Being ignorant of the fact, doesn’t change what has always been a part of me. I am bisexual.

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6 thoughts on “I can’t come out to my mom

  1. acquiescent72 says:

    I think coming out to parents can be extremely difficult. I suppose, given different circumstances for my life, I might have, but at this point in my life there really is no need for either one of them to know.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So deep. So real. So disheartening yet took so much courage to post. Proud of your strength and hopeful for the positive points that may bring you to another light looking at you from the end of a tunnel we all fear due to rejection and internal self destruction. It’s worth it to bring your heart to the table and show your mom the cards in your hands. I was 21 when I finally told mine.. though I knew at 12 easy.. since at 7 I tried to explain my normalcy to anyone that listen. I’m now 35 and she accepted but still comfortable with any conversation that pertains the subject of sex or love or family points of view. She also resents me for showing this indecency to my kids. Life goes on between my partner and kids and i. I allow all conversation and subjects up for debate in the house. I wait for her phone calls that don’t come very often, but treasure the moments I get to here her voice knowing there’s a smile there. My family refuses to claim me, but I am who I am and as I told my children. . No body else gets to live my life.. only me… so I will do what’s right for me.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I understand that. My mother has high blood pressure and heart problems. I started by printing some material off and let her read it… then I took some well respected actresses that she loved and laid out some facts.. I’m not saying what I did was right. I’m just saying it may have taken years but it’s worked it’s way into her heart..

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  3. Coming out is always difficult. I, myself, am still in the closet and am struggling to come out to my mother. She’s very narrow-minded so she for sure won’t accept it but I’m scared of what she may do if/when she finds out. She’s got health problems too-problems she’s gonna get operated for next week.
    Worst thing is-I can’t seem to be able to come out to the most accepting member of my family so I’ve been lying for 5 years just by not answering anything. 😦

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    • You can only do it when you’re ready to. Since I’m bi, and have been married to a man for 20+ years, Part of me thinks that she doesn’t need to know. There is no purpose in telling her. But the other part of me feels like I’m being dishonest by not saying anything. And then there is another part of me that’s secretly hoping that another family member will tell her, and I won’t have to. I’m a coward when it comes to her. Almost everyone else knows.

      Liked by 1 person

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