I just talked to my mom on the phone. I wanted to tell her the reason I don’t talk to my oldest brother, is because I’m bisexual, and I don’t want to be preached at. I couldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t give me the chance to talk.
She really doesn’t need to know. But at the same time, I feel like I’m lying and holding something back. I know she probably wouldn’t accept it, so why do I even feel the need to tell her? It’s not like I have a relationship with a woman that needs explaining.
I doubt that I ever will tell her. And part of me will always wonder if she would still me love me if she knew. I didn’t come out until I was 46. I got various reactions. Mostly bad ones from family members.
I don’t need anyone else’s approval on my life. As long as my husband can deal with things, I’m ok. But I can’t imagine losing my mom’s love. I can’t imagine the heartbreak kids go through when they come out to their parents, and are kicked out.
I’m 48 years old, and I still love my mom. But it sucks having the fear that that can be taken away just because of the way God made me. Believe me, it is not a choice. I don’t want to be this way. I just am. And I can’t change that any more than I can change my eye color.
Today is Coming Out Day. I can’t come out that one closet. I suppose one of my siblings could have told my mom, and she already knows. But I can’t be the one to do it. So, I go hide behind my husband, and pretend that I’m straight. But I’m not straight, and I never have been. Being ignorant of the fact, doesn’t change what has always been a part of me. I am bisexual.