At war with myself

One of my biggest regrets in life, was not knowing that I was bisexual when I was young. I do think it was my mind’s way of keeping me safe, but at the same time, it prevented me from being able to explore.

What if I had met a female soul mate when I was single? Would I have embraced her, or would I have fought the attraction? Could I have made a life with a female partner? I don’t know.

Even asking those questions now are dangerous. I am married to my soul mate, and have been for almost 22 years. My soul mate happens to be a male.

Everyone has a life that include “what ifs”. But mine are more complicated. Would I have gone to a Christian college if I had known? If I had gone to a secular college, would I have had the courage to come out, and explore?

I’m 48 years old. I’ve had sexual contact with a total of 8 people, 7 males and one female. My experience with the female is limited to playing with her breasts, and fingering her. I’d like more, but that puts me in conflict with my marriage vows. My husband has given me conditional permission to explore, and my body wants to. But my brain is telling me not to. That I don’t want to ruin the good thing that I already have.

I should be happy with my spouse. But is it fair to expect one person to fill all of someone’s needs? I’m bisexual. I want to play with breasts, and i want to feel what it’s like to be with a female. As much as I love my husband, those are things he can’t provide me.

I want to romance a woman, but at the same time, I don’t want to become emotionally involved. My heart has been battered enough in the last 2 years. I want to have sex, and I just want to snuggle.

I am at war with myself. I want to be a faithful wife to my husband. I like being monogamous. I like knowing that I’m safe from STDs. But I want to be with a woman too.

Does me going on a few dates, and having sexual contact with a woman mean that I’m in an open relationship now? What do I say if he decides he wants a woman on the side too? Do I have a right to deny him that?

Part of me feels like dirt for even wanting anyone else. Part of thinks I should be allowed to explore. All I know, is that when I was presented with the opportunity to do things with another woman, I took the opportunity. I had previously discussed with my husband what was ok with him. Is it cheating if I have permission?

Two years ago, at this time, I didn’t know that I was bisexual. I buried those feelings deep down. I hid them from myself. I no longer hide the truth. I know what I am now. and I accept it. Dealing with the consequences of my desires puts me in conflict with myself. I know what I want, but do I have the right to fulfill my desires?

I used to think that I would never have the opportunity to do anything with a woman. But I’ve learned that anything is possible. I don’t know what my future choices will be. I don’t know if I will explore further. Ultimately, I have to decide if it’s worth it. Is it worth risking my marriage over? I don’t ever want to lose my husband, but those urges are there. I don’t know what I would do. And I need to figure that out.


One thought on “At war with myself

  1. You raise a lot of questions. Personally, I don’t think it’s “cheating” if your partner is OK with it. That doesn’t mean it won’t be dangerous to your relationship, however. You have to answer these two questions: Can I live with the consequences if I do this? Can I live with the consequences if I don’t? The answers to those questions should tell you what you need to know.

    Liked by 1 person

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