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Status quo

I gave blood on Sept. 11th. It’s the third year in a row I’ve participated in the 9/11 blood drive sponsored by Dover Downs. It’s my way of honoring the people who died that day.

It’s not an easy thing for me to do. And not because I have a fear of needles. When I go to the clinic to have blood drawn for tests, I watch the needle being inserted, and the blood pumping out. So needles are not the problem.

I have social anxiety, just being there makes me nervous and anxious. My husband was off, but he wouldn’t even go in the building with me. He is afraid of needles.

When you go to donate, they ask questions like have you received any grafts or animal parts. Have you had any tattoos or body piercings in the last year. They asked if you spent any time in Europe during the mad cow scare years ago.

And they also ask if (for women) if you had sex with a bisexual man. I never knowingly have. My husband is straight. But it kind of makes me angry that bisexual, and gay men are so discriminated against. The blood is tested, so why can’t a healthy bi, or gay man donate?

But anyway, all those questions made me realize that I really do like being monogamous. I like being only with my husband, and knowing that he’s only been with me. Now, if you’d read my blog for a while, you’d know that I am bisexual. And you’d know that in August, I did have a sexual encounter with a woman.

That encounter involved me playing with her breasts, and fingering her until she orgasmed. While I think of it as a sex act, I didn’t actually have sex. My body parts weren’t touched. I count her as a sexual partner, but I didn’t have sex. Maybe I’m not accepting facts, but that’s how I see it.

I know I’ve written so many times about wanting to be with a woman. Yeah, my natural curiosity still wonders about that, but I no longer really care if it happens or not. I just don’t want to pursue it anymore.

So, me giving blood, and having to answer several questions about sex and partners, made me realize that I don’t necessarily want to add to my list of sexual partners. I’m happy with my husband. Life isn’t always about getting laid.

Although I have his grudgingly given permission to have a female partner, it isn’t that important anymore. I’d not going to say it will never happen, because I don’t know the future. In fact, if Misty texted me, and said she wanted to be a friend with benefits, I’d be right there. I’m just saying that I’m good with the status quo.

It’s not in my best interests to be actively seeking a female partner. It’s not fair of me to think that a woman would want to be a side chick. I don’t have much to offer in terms of dating.

I am married to a wonderful man. I don’t keep saying that because I feel guilty, and I know that he reads my blog. I say it because he truly is a good man. So, while I’d really love to be able to have fun with a female, it just isn’t really worth the effort to find it. And frankly, it isn’t worth the emotional damage it could do to my marriage.

I’m not giving up on something I want, I just want it less now. The time is not right. In the past two years, I did some heavy duty damage to our marriage. And I need to concentrate on us again. For now, I’m content. I want it to be just us. That could change again tomorrow, but I’m happy being his wife, and knowing that he’s my husband. And I like knowing that I’m safe to donate blood.

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One thought on “Status quo

  1. I totally understand where you’re at. I’m married to a wonderful man as well, but have been with a woman (while we were married, with his grudging consent). It was not good for our marriage but we have recovered. I’ll never do it again, no matter how much I might want to again someday. I’ve written a little about it on my blog but not too much yet. I’m surprised to find someone with a story so similar to mine! Anyway, thanks for sharing. And kudos for giving blood. My blog: Bi and Bipolar

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