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Letting go of ghosts

I just realized a few minutes ago that I really have let go of being in love with anyone else but my husband. It’s kind of sad, but it’s a relief too. My heart feels free. The pain I felt when I was hurt is gone.

I was talking to J tonight. He thought it was funny how I chewed him out one night because he worried his girlfriend by not answering her texts. Part of me wished that he had a 10th of the concern he has for her, for me. But I am not his girlfriend. I am only a friend. I accept that. I don’t have a right to feel hurt. I never had that right. And apart from a quick twinge, I didn’t feel anything tonight.

I released the ghost of a phantom love tonight. It wasn’t all in my head, but it was not real either. It was part of my life, but it’s gone now. The friendship remains, but that is all.

I probably could have stayed in love with him forever, but he taught me to live without him. It was a necessary thing to do. That couldn’t continue. It was hurting my husband. It just wasn’t right to let it continue.

My life is moving forward. I let go of the ghosts. Being in love with him was meant to happen. I needed it to happen. But it was time to let go. My heart isn’t broken. It isn’t a tragedy. I still love him as a friend. He is important to me.

There have been times when I have said these things before, and I honestly thought I was done. But it seems I have had to let go in stages. I do believe this is the final stage. I am happy for him. I would be happy to dance at his wedding. I am glad he has his soul mate.

He touched my life. He made it better. He taught me how to really appreciate my husband. He taught me patience. He taught me that just because I had an opinion, doesn’t mean that it’s the right one. He even taught me to appreciate the dark, and winter.

He is still in my life. We talk on a regular basis. But we don’t talk about an “us”. There was never a chance of us having a real relationship. Well, we have a relationship, but it is just a friendship that went through many changes. Being in love with him was exciting. It was fun. It was sad. It was frustrating. Being in love with him is now over. But I am a stronger, and better person because it happened. So I’ll call that a win. 🙂

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