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Inside my head

I am my own worst enemy. I destroy myself. My own doubts and fears prevent me from moving forward with my life. Even at my current size, I have people hitting on me, but I still don’t think that I’m attractive.

I know I’m intelligent, but my fear of failure prevents me from going back to school. I want a female friend with benefits, but the fear of rejection prevents me from looking. My fears control me.

I always wanted to be a writer, I guess my fears didn’t control that. I have this blog. Not many people read it, and that’s ok. I write for myself. I right as a form of venting. I write because it helps me put things into perspective.

Writing unleashes the demons in my mind. Seeing the words helps me quiet my mind. Writing helps me to understand me. I thought I was a simple person, but I am not. I’m very complicated.

When I love, I love hard. When I say I love you, I mean it. It isn’t something I say lightly. The way I love might change, but there will always be love.

My head is not a quiet place. Even in my sleep, my thoughts are disturbing. My fears are let loose to roam in my subconscious. My dreams terrify me at times.

I over think everything. I have a difficult time just accepting things as they are. I know that I’m loved, but I struggle to understand why. I struggle to understand why I have loved the people I do.

Letting go, and letting things be are not easy things for me. I have to believe there is some purpose for the way things happen. Maybe there is no purpose. Maybe everything in life is just random. And I find that difficult to understand.

Inside my mind, I have a million stories. I have fantasies about things I can picture happening. And it’s all inside my head. I know they can never happen, but that doesn’t stop my mind from making up scenarios.

I suppose some people use alcohol or drugs to run from the demons inside their heads. I don’t. I’ve tried to use alcohol, but that just makes me stupid, and sleepy for a short time. I’ve smoked twice in my life. It just make me giggly. I can’t run from what’s in my mind. it’s part of who I am.

Do I want to run from my own mind? Yes. I want to hide, and not be me. i sometimes wish I could erase certain people from my mind, and the feelings I have for them too. I want to run, but I can’t. I carry these thoughts, and feelings with me everywhere. Sometimes though…I wish I could just take a break. I wish my mind would go on vacation, and leave my body behind. I wish my mind would shut up, and let me sleep.

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One thought on “Inside my head

  1. You should work toward not letting your fears control you and stop being your own worse enemy and it begins with believing in yourself. You’re an amazing person but you could be even more so if can control your fears.

    Liked by 1 person

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