I am my own worst enemy. I destroy myself. My own doubts and fears prevent me from moving forward with my life. Even at my current size, I have people hitting on me, but I still don’t think that I’m attractive.
I know I’m intelligent, but my fear of failure prevents me from going back to school. I want a female friend with benefits, but the fear of rejection prevents me from looking. My fears control me.
I always wanted to be a writer, I guess my fears didn’t control that. I have this blog. Not many people read it, and that’s ok. I write for myself. I right as a form of venting. I write because it helps me put things into perspective.
Writing unleashes the demons in my mind. Seeing the words helps me quiet my mind. Writing helps me to understand me. I thought I was a simple person, but I am not. I’m very complicated.
When I love, I love hard. When I say I love you, I mean it. It isn’t something I say lightly. The way I love might change, but there will always be love.
My head is not a quiet place. Even in my sleep, my thoughts are disturbing. My fears are let loose to roam in my subconscious. My dreams terrify me at times.
I over think everything. I have a difficult time just accepting things as they are. I know that I’m loved, but I struggle to understand why. I struggle to understand why I have loved the people I do.
Letting go, and letting things be are not easy things for me. I have to believe there is some purpose for the way things happen. Maybe there is no purpose. Maybe everything in life is just random. And I find that difficult to understand.
Inside my mind, I have a million stories. I have fantasies about things I can picture happening. And it’s all inside my head. I know they can never happen, but that doesn’t stop my mind from making up scenarios.
I suppose some people use alcohol or drugs to run from the demons inside their heads. I don’t. I’ve tried to use alcohol, but that just makes me stupid, and sleepy for a short time. I’ve smoked twice in my life. It just make me giggly. I can’t run from what’s in my mind. it’s part of who I am.
Do I want to run from my own mind? Yes. I want to hide, and not be me. i sometimes wish I could erase certain people from my mind, and the feelings I have for them too. I want to run, but I can’t. I carry these thoughts, and feelings with me everywhere. Sometimes though…I wish I could just take a break. I wish my mind would go on vacation, and leave my body behind. I wish my mind would shut up, and let me sleep.