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It sucks being bi

I’m trying to get my marriage back on track. I screw things up. I talked to J literally all night a few days ago. That upset my husband. We were only talking online, nothing improper was said. We just happened to talk for hours.

My husband and I had a blow up this morning. Some harsh words were said. We apologized to each other. My actions cause him pain, he pushes me away. When I get pushed away, I subconsciously seek it (whatever “it” is) elsewhere. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s a vicious cycle.

It’s a struggle dealing with being bisexual. I know that I’m bi, I accept it. But being bisexual has its own challenges. I want to be with a woman. I’m married to a man. I don’t want to cheat. Technically, I have his permission, but he understandably doesn’t want to share me.

Even if he was perfectly fine with me having a girlfriend, the biggest obstacle to me having one, is me. I’m shy. I’m introverted. And I don’t think I have anything another woman would want.

It sucks being totally inexperienced at 48 years old. I have no idea what to look for. I have no idea of anything.

I should be happy, and content, that I have my husband. He is truly a wonderful man. But part of me wants something he can’t give me. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to me.

I’m having a bad day today. I’m overly emotional, and everything is hitting me hard.  I downloaded an app called Her. It’s for lesbian and bi women. There was a video called 100 Lesbian kisses on TV. It made me cry.

I know they are all just actresses doing a job, but I was jealous. I want that. But, apparently I want too much. I’m not allowed to have that.

I’m happy with my husband, but he’s not a woman. Am I to blame because I crave that? I didn’t choose to be bi. I didn’t decide one day that the half of the species wasn’t enough for me. I can control my feelings of attraction for any other man besides my husband. But the craving for a woman is strong.

Who the hell makes all these rules anyway? Why are we limited to only one person? It’s obvious that people can love more than one person at a time. All I know is that today had me questioning everything. It had me questioning my marriage, it had me questioning my sexuality. I just don’t know who I am anymore. The only thing I know for certain, is that my husband loves me, and that I love him. Nothing else really matters in the scheme of things.

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