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Dealing with it

I’m bisexual, and frankly, it sucks. I don’t want to be bi. I wouldn’t choose it if I had a choice. I can’t change what I am though. I accept it. But accepting, and being happy about something, are two entirely different things.

I have not ever had a real relationship with another female. It’s unlikely that I ever will. I already know for a fact I’m capable of loving a woman, but I have not had the opportunity to be with one.

I was just reading Kdaddy23’s blog, https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/173069/758513740. We’re supposed to deal with it. I deal with it by ignoring it as much as possible. I don’t want to face reality.

I am married to a man, and have been for almost 22 years. I wasn’t able to explore when I was young. And now, I’m bound by the convention of being in a monogamous relationship. He has technically given me permission to have a girlfriend, but he doesn’t want me actively seeking one. So basically, my hands are tied. And not in a fun way.

If I had to pick only one word to describe being bisexual, the word I’d pick would be frustrating. And being frustrated is one emotion that I do not handle very well. At all.

I crave the touch of a woman. I can’t have that. And that fact that I am also attracted to women makes it less likely that I’ll even have female friends, because I’m afraid I’ll act weird around them.

I’m not dealing with it. I just survive day to day. Do I accept the fact that I’m bisexual? Yes, I do. Do I like it? Hell, no. It causes problems. It’s made me awkward around a friend, because I have feelings she does not share.

I really wish it was a choice. I wish the feelings, and cravings could be turned off. Like so many other times in my life, I wish that I wasn’t me.

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