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Girls like girls

I was on the Moovz app earlier today. There was a link to a video called Girls Like Girls. It’s actually a pretty sweet video about two teenage girls facing their attraction to each other. And it made me cry.

Literally sobbing type of crying. Because it made me wonder how different my life could have been if I had known I was bisexual when I was younger. If things like this has been around in the 80s, things would have not been the same for me.

I knew there were lesbians when I was a kid. I did not know that bisexuals existed. I did not know that I was bisexual. All the feelings I had towards females were buried deep down. So deep, it took 46 years for them to surface.

I cried because I was angry. I don’t want to be bisexual. I don’t want the complications. I don’t want the feelings I have. I have no doubt in my mind that I’m bisexual. I just want to know why I am. Why did it take me so long to accept it? Why couldn’t I just have continued to ignore it?

I love my husband. But I like girls too. And that is a major conflict with me. I can’t just shut it off. I’ve tried. I am in conflict with myself, and my own nature.

I cried. And I screamed. I asked God if it was possible to pray the gay away. I would if I could. I don’t want to feel these things. But, I do. It’s a part of me. I can’t change it.

I’m not out, and proud. I’m just out. I find it hard to take pride in something that causes so much pain. I am out. I acknowledge that I am bisexual. But I also acknowledge how painful it is. I accept that it can’t be changed. I accept that I can never have someone that I want.

So, a video of two girls falling in love tore my heart out today. I wish I had known sooner. I wish I wasn’t a middle aged woman with no experience. I wish…that I had met her sooner.

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