Well, I had an interesting conversation with someone I met on the Moovz app. S has read my blog, and she was asking me about T. I’ve mentioned T several times.
I met T on Twitter. I didn’t know she was female until a year after I followed her. She had a unisex name and avatar. She mentioned a wife. I assumed she was a male.
Shortly after I came out as bisexual, T messaged me, and she let me know that she was a female. I’m not sure if my coming out had anything to do with the timing of that, but I sort of assume so.
Anyway, I developed feelings for T. I really like her as a friend. I enjoyed when she flirted with me (she doesn’t anymore) The feelings deepened into more than friendship.
But…she is married. I am married. I would never want to do anything to jeopardize either of our relationships. I can accept that I love someone, without there ever being a chance of us being together.
S was asking me questions that I couldn’t answer. I honestly had never thought about some of the things she asked. I am used to being the person who does most of the questioning in conversations. I am not used to someone else picking my brain.
S told me she was asking the questions because of her psychology class. She seems to think I can’t be happy that someone I love, is happy with someone else. Maybe I’m not “happy” about it, but I accept it. I know I am not the person for her. I am not her soul mate.
I have a rather bizarre emotional life. I am in love with three totally different people. I am married to my soul mate, and have been for almost 22 years. I am in love with a male who is 18 years younger than I am. And I am also in love with a woman 2 years younger than I am.
I can face reality. And my reality is that I am married to a 57 year old man. The other man, and the woman are in my heart, but neither can really be in my life. Human emotions would not allow that. I know that I am capable of the love, but reality has too many challenges for me to be with another person.
S made me cry by asking so many questions about T. Maybe I do feel more than I say I do. I don’t know. I can’t tell T directly. I don’t want to make things awkward. I don’t want to risk losing my friend over feelings that I have no control over.
Life is weird. People don’t fit in neat little boxes. You can’t control where your heart goes either. I love my husband, but I love other people too. Things don’t always make sense. You just learn to deal with it.