I have such mixed feelings about this. Sometimes it’s best to be honest, and tell someone how you feel. And other times, it’s best to keep it to yourself.
In 2013, J told me he was catching feelings for me. I didn’t understand what he meant. I thought he meant a crush. It wasn’t a crush, it was more than that. But he didn’t say that at the time.
A short time later, I discovered I loved him as more than a friend. I had no intention of telling him. I was married, there was nothing I could do about it. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
He did tell me that he loved me, and then added a “I’m sorry”. I hesitated. I knew if I admitted I loved him too, my entire life would change. But, I couldn’t lie, and I couldn’t avoid saying it. I told him I loved him too.
My life did change. Those three words set a series of events into motion. My behavior changed. I hurt my husband because I felt those emotions.
What if he had never told me. What if I had never told him. One thing that helps me handle what happened, is that I believe it was meant to occur. But that doesn’t really make it any easier.
Sometimes I wish he hadn’t told me. I wish we could have ignored it, and just continued with our friendship the way that it was. I wish I had never know what it is like to love someone you can’t be with. I wish I didn’t know the pain it brought. And, most of all, I wish my husband wasn’t hurt because of feelings I couldn’t control.
On the other side of things, it’s pretty amazing to know that you are loved by someone. I needed the events to happen the way that they did. I needed to love him, and be loved by him to get to the point where I could accept myself.
It has been painful, but it’s been wonderful at times too. Do I sometimes wish it had never happened, and he hadn’t revealed his feelings to me? Yes, without a doubt. But there are other times I’m glad that it happened.
There are times I wonder if he ever considered the effect his words would have on my life. I wonder if he thought about saying he loved a married woman. He always knew I was married, and that I loved my husband. I never lied, or pretended otherwise. I never set out to seduce him. I didn’t even flirt with him until after we both admitted how we felt.
So…..do you think about how your admission will effect someone? Do you consider everything? So you think about how it will change everything? What if the feelings are returned? What if the feelings aren’t returned? Can you remain friends either way? Will you have to end contact?
He told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him. So simple really, but yet so entirely complicated as well. I do love him still, although it keeps changing form. He is in love with his soul mate, and things are as they should be.
If he hadn’t told me, my life would be so much simpler. But, to be honest, I like the changes in my life. My life has more depth, and color to it now. Because of him, I accepted myself. And because of him, I learned to love a woman too.
Nothing it easy, and life isn’t simple. Maybe it’s worth taking the chance, and just being honest. Maybe it won’t have a “happy ending”. But at the same time, maybe it’s just the rain needed to make a flower blossom. And maybe it’s better to have knowledge of things instead of always wondering “what if’.