Insomnia ramblings

It’s around 6AM here. I went to sleep around 3AM. I have no idea why I’m awake. I said Good morning to J, and I was surprised that he answered. I told him to go back to sleep instead of talking to me.

I wanted to talk to him, but I know he needed his sleep more than I needed to be talking to him. Sometimes it sucks doing the right thing.

I’m exhausted. I have no idea why I’m awake. At least I’m putting my insomnia to good use by doing laundry. I honestly do not know how two people make so many dirty clothes.

I remember in college, one set of sheets, and one towel lasted for a week. My first year, I was in the dorm at the top of the hill, on the third floor. I had to carry the laundry down all the stairs, and down a hill to the laundromat.  At least I was smart and found a hamper with wheels so I could drag it instead of carry baskets. But it was still a pain to deal with.

My second year there, I made friends with a freshman who had a car. I tagged along when he went into town to do laundry, and we could shop while it was going.

An odd thing happened one time. This female asked me if I went to Davey Crockett high school. I said no, because I grew up in Miami. She swore I looked just like someone she knew.

When I was in high school my junior year, I went to Paris and London with my French class. When I got back, this guy insisted he saw me at some Florida beach. I wasn’t even in the country.

There was some news story about a woman assaulting her husband with a ceramic squirrel. She had a vague resemblance to me, and some guy on Twitter kept teasing me about it.

I can’t help it if I have a common face. You see one fat person, and we all look alike to some people. Most of the time, we aren’t even seen as people.

Somewhat recently, I had a woman on Twitter attack me because I said my husband and I are both attracted to curvy women. She called it a fetish. I say attractive, sexy women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

It annoys me when people think only skinny women are happy and healthy. Some people learn to accept and love their bodies instead of hating it, and constantly putting themselves down.

I’m big, and I know it is not healthy. But, I also know I attract people, and if I chose to sleep around, I would not lack for partners.

I know some men target large women because they assume the women are lacking self esteem, and would be easy targets. I don’t understand why men are attracted to me, but I know that they are. I have never had a shortage of offers.

That brings me to another topic. The sociopath I encountered on Twitter a few years ago. He thought I was easy, and he got enraged when he discovered that I would not fall into with his plans. He tried to hit on me several times in a 24 hour period, and was furious when I repeatedly turned him down. He mistook me for one of his suckers.

I’m big, but that does not mean that I am desperate for attention. I have a loving husband. I also have another man who loves me. I don’t need an online loser to boost my ego.

For some reason, that makes me think of my birthday two years ago. It seemed like when I hit my 46th birthday, nature threw a switch, and decided to make me insanely horny. I had the midlife crisis from hell.

It started with me getting involved with M, and basically, him seducing me online. He has an awesome way with words. He could talk me through an orgasm rather easily. I was infatuated with him for about 2 months. I never once thought I was in love with him. I always knew it was game, and I understood that it was a short time thing. And I was ok with that.

I talked to M in the mornings, and J in the evenings when he got home from work. I never had feelings for M, other than lust. Meanwhile, I was falling in love with J, and I had no clue it was happening. My first clue should have been when I was talking to J, and M popped up unexpectedly. I was actually irritated that M was interrupting my conversation with J.

Anyway, I went from just conversations with no sexual content with J to the conversations becoming sexual after we both admitted we loved the other. I didn’t flirt with him before I realized that I loved him.

Anyway, at 46 years old, I had to admit to myself that I had fallen in love with a guy 18 years younger than I am, and I had never even seen what he looked like. Does that qualify as a mid life crisis?

Two years later, I still love him. I’m only a tiny bit still in love with him. There will always be residual feelings, but I no longer try to find a way to meet him or be with him.

Anyway…..back to M. I met K through him. She was another one of his conquests. Except she didn’t know it was game. She followed me, and we started talking. After a month or so, I realized that I was attracted to her. Not so much in a sexual way, I was more attracted to her personality.

After a few more months, and some conversations with my bisexual male best friend. I had to finally admit to myself that I am bisexual. Talk about opening another can of worms. It is not easy dealing with accepting that at such an older stage. The signs were always there, I just had no clue how to read them.

And then I came out on Twitter. I started writing about it on WordPress. I didn’t know that one certain person was paying attention. I had talked to this person on Twitter on and off for a year. I had no idea that she was a woman, and that she was a lesbian,

Until the day she messaged me, and made it known to me that she is a woman. And a pretty damn hot one. We had many conversations, and got to know each other. She was kind enough to answer some questions I had about female on female sex. So, I’m sure you guessed it, I developed feelings for her too. But I would never act on them. We are both married to our soul mates, and neither of us would cross that line.

I have no idea how I got to this point in this post. My life is weird. One thing lead to another. I needed the steps in the way that they happened. I will be honest. There are times that I wish I had never gotten on Twitter. I wish I had never met any of the people I mentioned. But if I hadn’t met them, I would be missing part of myself.

All of them effected my life in some way. They have all showed me something I needed to know. I even learned to love some of the them. Anyway, I titled this Insomnia ramblings, because that’s what they are. I need to go back to sleep.


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