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Words left unsaid

On Sunday, I laid down to take a nap with my husband. I heard my ipod ding. It was a message from T. It only said, “Call me”. I hopped out of bed so fast, David thought something was wrong. I told him it was T, and went running for my phone.

I didn’t usually talk to her on Sundays, and the fact that she wanted me to call her worried me. So I called as soon as I grabbed my phone. Thankfully, there was nothing wrong. She just had the opportunity to talk on the phone.

We talked about several things. I mentioned someone I met on the Moova app. She asked if I was trying to replace her. I know she was joking, but that hurt just a little bit. No one can replace her in my life. Because, no matter whatever happens, she has a permanent place in my heart.

It felt good to talk to her, to just hear her voice. That’s the first time since December that I was able to. I’m just glad to know that she’s safe, and that she’s happy.

Many things were said. Many things were left unsaid. I can’t say them, because they aren’t appropriate. I have no right to say them. I’m sure she knows, but I can’t say it, and she can’t acknowledge it. Life sucks sometimes.

One thing she said sticks in my mind. She said the reason she has limited communication with me is to prevent any lines from being crossed. I understand that very well. I have a history of crossing lines I shouldn’t have crossed. It made me sad. But it made just a tiny part of my heart happy. Because that means that she does acknowledge a possibility.

I’m not crushing on my friend. It moved beyond that a while ago. But, there is a line, and it can’t be crossed. I would not want to do anything at all to jeopardize her relationship. I am not her soul mate, and she is not mine. But she does mean a great deal to me.

There are a million things I want to discuss with her. There are so many things I want to learn about her. There are so many things I want to tell her. But, I can’t. I know I can’t. I have to be content with the rare occasions I do get to speak to her. It isn’t enough, but I will take what I can get.

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