Curiosity is going to get me into trouble…

I opened Pandora’s Box again. (Hmm…sounds like a lesbian bar) Anyway, I happened to see the link for Craigslist in my history, and I clicked on it. I looked at the women for women ads.

Most of them are younger women wanting the same. Or they don’t want larger women.And that’s their right. People want what they want. Most I wouldn’t be interested in anyway.

But one…she included a picture of her breasts. I would love to get my hands on those. Every since I grew my own breasts, I wanted to touch another female’s. It hasn’t ever happened, and it probably never will. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to.

Although I’ve kind of gotten permission from my husband to have a girlfriend, it’s sort of conditional. I’m not supposed to be actively looking. But if I happen to come across someone, it’s open for discussion.

But here’s the deal: I can’t put myself out there in order to attract anyone. I don’t need the rejection, or pain it could cause. And I can’t even answer ads of someone I might be interested in. Mainly because I have no idea what to do with a relationship with another female. And is it fair to step outside of my marriage just to experience something?

I feel frustrated. I want to do something. But at the same time, I don’t want to because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of getting naked in front of anyone new. I am also afraid of falling in love again.

And most of all, I’m afraid of hurting my husband, and our marriage even more than I have already done. Do I even have a right to want to be with someone else?

Well, I have to slam the lid on the box again. I want to explore, but I don’t want to as well. Love has walked into my life before, who knows what the future holds.


2 thoughts on “Curiosity is going to get me into trouble…

  1. Being afraid that first time is normal; you just have to conquer those fears and, no, it’s never all that easy to do. You know the saying: Every journey begins with a first step!

    We all have this fear of rejection and this, too, is a fear that must be dealt with; just because someone may not find you to their liking doesn’t ever mean that everyone will behave like that.

    If you have no idea what to do, doesn’t it make sense to get an idea even if it’s only finding some real-life reading material? Cold hard fact: If you never try, you’ll never know. Not “insisting” that you have to but you’re just gonna continue to make yourself nuts because you want to do something that you don’t want to do but you still very much want to do it.

    And I’m sure you remember something I told you a while ago: If it is something you really want to do, you will find a way to do it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s