I opened Pandora’s Box again. (Hmm…sounds like a lesbian bar) Anyway, I happened to see the link for Craigslist in my history, and I clicked on it. I looked at the women for women ads.
Most of them are younger women wanting the same. Or they don’t want larger women.And that’s their right. People want what they want. Most I wouldn’t be interested in anyway.
But one…she included a picture of her breasts. I would love to get my hands on those. Every since I grew my own breasts, I wanted to touch another female’s. It hasn’t ever happened, and it probably never will. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to.
Although I’ve kind of gotten permission from my husband to have a girlfriend, it’s sort of conditional. I’m not supposed to be actively looking. But if I happen to come across someone, it’s open for discussion.
But here’s the deal: I can’t put myself out there in order to attract anyone. I don’t need the rejection, or pain it could cause. And I can’t even answer ads of someone I might be interested in. Mainly because I have no idea what to do with a relationship with another female. And is it fair to step outside of my marriage just to experience something?
I feel frustrated. I want to do something. But at the same time, I don’t want to because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of getting naked in front of anyone new. I am also afraid of falling in love again.
And most of all, I’m afraid of hurting my husband, and our marriage even more than I have already done. Do I even have a right to want to be with someone else?
Well, I have to slam the lid on the box again. I want to explore, but I don’t want to as well. Love has walked into my life before, who knows what the future holds.