cheating, infidelity, marriage

Who am I?

Who am I? I don’t know anymore. My name is Ellen. I’ve been married for going on 22 years. I’m fat. I’m short/average. I’ve been bisexual my entire life, but was too ignorant to know/accept it until last year. I defy society by loving more than one person. I have damaged my marriage by loving more than one person.

In the past two years, I have changed. And not necessarily in a good way. I became more sexual than I have ever been. But when you’re in a monogamous relationship, that isn’t a good thing.

I have wanted to explore, to experience other things. And I can’t. I get frustrated. I am expected to behave a certain way. And I should. My husband should have a faithful wife.

I seriously hurt my husband with my actions. I never wanted to do that, but it was the result. He has been a loving, supportive husband. He has been faithful, and never cheated in any way. I have cheated in every way except the physical.

He has been the only person to touch my body in 23 years. I have never screwed around on him physically. But what I’ve done is just as bad. I desired other people. I let things get out of control.

I did a great amount of harm to our marriage yesterday. He took his ring off. That scared me. I know that I’ve pushed him too far. He has been tolerant, but not anymore.

How did I turn into that kind of person? When did I become so selfish? Oh, I can tell you the date that things started changing for me. It was July 7, 2013. A certain man started following me on Twitter. He set a chain of events into motion, and my life hasn’t been the same since.

Who am I? I am a remorseful woman. I am someone who has had a wake up call. My actions were not harmless fun. I did damage, almost fatal damage.

Yesterday was a breaking point in my marriage. He made me tell J I had to unfollow him, and quit talking to him. I had to make a choice. There is no choice, my husband is my everything. I unfollowed J on Twitter, and deleted his number.

I cried, and begged David to reconsider. I didn’t want to lose another friend. I have so few to begin with. I could live without J in my life, but I’m honestly curious about what the future holds for him.

David reconsidered. He knows how much I don’t want to lose my friend. But I had to promise that I never again do the things I have been doing. I agreed. I promised him. I looked him in the eyes, and said I would never again do those things. I am not a liar, and I fully intend to live up to that. It won’t be easy, and I know that I will miss the high I got from it. But my husband is more important to me than any addiction.

My behavior will no longer be what it has been. No more flirting, talking about sex, and absolutely no phone calls. I have to be an honest person again. I can’t do anything I wouldn’t want my mother to know about.

The line in the sand has been drawn. This is it. If I screw up again, I will lose my husband. And that would kill me. He has agreed to let me keep J as a friend, but I can never cross that line into more again. If it does, I will have to block him and let go forever. If it ever happened again, I would lose both of them.

So who am I? I don’t know. I’m still a work in progress. Maybe I needed all of this to teach me not to be so judgmental. I’m human, I screw up. And sometimes I do it spectacularly. I’m still learning who I am. But I know what I am not going to be. I am not going to be unfaithful. It’s not worth it.

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