Ramblings about sex and rules

Why does sex cause so much trouble? You have the obvious things like pregnancies and STDs, but it goes beyond that. It causes heartache, and pain. It also causes orgasms that make you forget about all the other things.

We live in a society that tells us you should be heterosexual. That you are only allowed to have one person at a time. And of course, that person has to be the opposite gender.

Well, life isn’t simple. There are more than two genders. There is more than one type of sexuality (I’m not even going to try to list those) Some people feel no attraction at all, and others love more than one person.

I’ll be honest, I wish it was possible to have relationships with more than one person at a time. But for me, it isn’t possible. When I got married, I believed I was straight, and was happy to be monogamous. I liked the feeling of being loved by one man, and feeling safe. I liked not worrying about having to have “safe sex”.

But 22 years into our relationship, things have changed. I am not the woman I was at 26. I know, and accept that I am bisexual now. I want to explore that part of me. I was even given sort of permission to by my husband. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to add any more drama to our marriage.

Two years ago, I fell in love with a male friend. I honestly didn’t know that was possible. Especially since I never stopped loving/wanting my husband. But it is possible to love more than one person. And when you do, you want to be with them in some form or another. I accept that I can’t be with him. I accept that he has his own soul mate. if I lived in a fantasy world, I would wish that I could just have some time with him every few months or so. It ain’t gonna happen.

But, back to sex. Do we ever get enough of it? Is one person going to satisfy us for the rest of our lives? For me, I explored in non physical ways. I learned to get off from conversations. Yes, I do think it’s cheating. But, on the scale of horribleness, it was less awful than screwing around. At least I wasn’t exposing myself and my husband to STDs.

Sex causes so many problems. People get addicted to it. People cheat. They pay for sex. They get married for sex (Like Jeff Foxworthy said, it’s like buying an airline to get peanuts) Sex breaks up marriages.

Why do we have so many rules about sex? Why does it have to be one partner only? Some people have polyamorous/open relationships, and they work. But most people can’t handle that. Some people have a spouse, and a side piece, or pieces. And the spouse is ok with that.

I’m rambling here. I don’t have any answers. I know sexual activity caused me problems. I didn’t touch another person, but that ultimately didn’t matter. It is cheating. I used someone other than my husband to get off. I’m am not going to try to justify what I did. I did it because I wanted to.

I can no longer do it because it is so wrong. It’s ok if I watch porn, but I can’t be talking to someone else while I’m getting off. It makes sense, but it doesn’t make sense at the same time. I can look at strangers having sex, but I can’t be talking to a human. The reason is, because feelings are involved with the human. There is an emotional response. And that is the cause of the problems.

I am a sexual person. But I have rules I have to live by. Do those rules chafe? Of course they do. But I love my husband more than anything, and I have to be willing to live the life I agreed to. I have changed as a person in 22 years. My needs have changed. But we are both trying to adapt.

Sex is fun, and sex is a pain the ass (literally if you want it to be) I’ve been lucky. I never caught anything while having unprotected sex while I was single. No unintentional pregnancies (well, none at all) At 47, I still enjoy sex. I don’t get it as often as I would like, but I still get it. I can no longer participate in extracirricular activies, but I can deal with that.

I am limited to sex with one partner. Do I sometimes I wish it was more? Yes. WIll that happen? No. I made a vow that I intend to keep. I bent the rules almost to the breaking point, but I won’t do that again. I can’t. No amount of sex is worth losing my husband. Adapt and move on. I made my choices in life, and I have to abide by them. I will crave more, and that is allowed. I am not allowed to indulge in them. So, married sex it is. But you know what? That can awesome too.


2 thoughts on “Ramblings about sex and rules

  1. Sex causes so much trouble because, generally, we have so many hangups about it; we’re supposed to be ashamed to want to have sex and then only have sex when we’re married… like it’s a given that one person is going to be willing and able to give you all the sex you’ll ever need until death do you part… or you get divorced.

    Sex, in and of itself, isn’t the problem – people are. The rules are what they are (and what they’ve always been) and we assume that these rules can never be bent or broken for sex… which never changes the fact that people do it all the time – someone’s doing it right now – and while it’s considered to be very bad form to break the rules to have sex, you being to understand that our built-in need for sex trumps the rules.

    I’m not saying that a person shouldn’t obey the rules but if they do, it’s usually because they have to break or bend them and, again usually, because their sexual needs are not being met. Maybe they start masturbating several times a day every day; maybe they watch porn (and masturbate); these days, maybe they engage in phone or cyber sex to get off and, of course, at the extreme end, they go climb into bed with someone to get all their buttons pushed.

    Then they feel guilty because they broke (or bent) the rules and therein lies the problems sex can cause. People complicate sex, Ellen because, in many cases, in order for them to get the sex they need, some rule is going to get bent or broken, even if they’re single – and, of course, it’s “worse” if they’re married and have vowed to keep only unto themselves.

    And that’s fine… as long as your sexual needs are always being taken care of when that needs to happen… but you’re understanding something that I’ve understood for a very long time: Keeping only unto yourself is noble and morally right but it’s not gonna always get you what you need when you need it. You need it, ain’t getting it, and even when you know you shouldn’t, you start bending the rules here and there and it’s not what one might have done that causes the problem – it’s knowing that they broke the rules that causes the problem and the bad part is that the problems are very real.

    It makes one want to swear off of sex – and the rules suggest that this is what we should do when we can’t get laid in a morally correct fashion… but we were not meant to be celibate or otherwise ignore our need for sex so, yeah, while some of us might not just stomp on the rules and break them, we will bend the shit out of them and, yes, to suit our purposes.

    It’s just the way things work, like it or not…


    • For me, the partially celibate thing is a reality. I want sex, and I want to get off. My options are sex with my husband, watching porn & masturbating, or imagination and masturbating. That’s how life is.

      Liked by 1 person

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