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I’m a boring bi

I’m a boring bisexual. It took me until I was 46 years old to accept that I’m bi, so I don’t have any experience. When you tell someone you’re bi, their minds immediately go to threesomes. Even if I wasn’t married, that wouldn’t be an option. I want one on one sex, not a situation where you’re trying to figure out the dynamics of where everyone fits.

I’ve never even kissed a woman, much less had sex with one. And yes, I’m still bi even though I’m a virgin. Having sex doesn’t confirm, or deny sexuality.

I think I ticked off a lesbian once because I said that there have a been a couple of times that I came out kind of for the shock value. I was at work one day, and a coworker came up to me, and called me Ellen Degeneres. I said I was only half gay. He looked at me like I was crazy. (He also knew I’d been married a long time) I told him that I was bisexual, therefor only “half” gay.

Because I have been married for over 20 years, and my relationship is stable, I do have a form of straight privilege. My sexuality is not so important as it would be if I was a lesbian. I don’t feel the need to hide it. But at the same time, there is no need to broadcast it either.

Anyway…I’m boring. I have no stories to tell. I’ve never dipped into the female dating pool. The only experience I have is some conversations online. Oh wait, I do have a story, and it involves feelings I have for a woman, but that is a never meant to be thing.

My husband and I have discussed my sexuality. For a while there, being with a woman was all that I wanted. Until he gave me permission to be with one. Then reality hit. The reality of finding a willing woman, and the reality of putting myself out there. That reality terrifies me.

So, anyway, I am boring. I wish I had some experience, but I’m not willing to go out and get it. I don’t want to damage my relationship with my husband. I’m not willing to bring another woman into our relationship. Part of the reason is because I’m afraid of what could happen. But there is also a part of me that already loves someone, and I wish it could be her.

I want to be with a woman, but at the same time, I don’t. I imagine that if I was single, I would pursue the idea. But I’m not single. I have my soul mate. And the one woman I do want, has hers. Life goes on. I’m ok with being boring.

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