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Why, oh why, am I bi?

The only time I have ever kissed a female, I was 7 years old. Her name was Laura, and she was also seven. We were at her house, playing house. I was the dad.

I kissed her, and I liked it. I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it. I didn’t know that it was considered weird that I wanted to do it again.

When I was ten, and developed breasts (I was popping bra straps while running in P.E. at that age) I discovered that I wanted to touch breasts. Once again, I didn’t know that was unusual for a female.

For a church going, sheltered child, I came across way more porn than any child should have seen. I liked looking at the women. I was five the first time I saw a porn magazine. Several times I avidly looked when I found it.

I honestly had no clue that the feelings I had meant that I was bisexual. On the male side of things, in third grade, when I was 8, I saw my first semi erect penis. It was arranged. I dropped my pencil under the desks (they were the old flip up lid type desks, and pushed together) and he had it out. I’m not really sure how much that effected me, (he was black) but I always seemed to be more attracted to black men in my life. I didn’t actually have sex until I was 23, and I chose a black guy I liked to do it with.

My first crush was my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. C. It took me almost 40 years to even figure out that it was a crush. I had those feelings buried so deep.

Sometimes I wonder how much better the world would be if we weren’t told what was “right” or “acceptable”. If we weren’t pushed towards the heterosexual relationships. There would be less depression, and mental distress if that happened.

Part of me wishes that I had known I was bisexual when I was young, and single. Maybe I would have had the chance to explore that part of me. But then the realistic part of me is glad that I didn’t know.

If I had known I was bisexual in high school, I probably would have committed suicide. I already felt like a freak back then, the knowledge of being bi would have pushed me over the edge. I was heavily involved in church at that age. It was literally the only thing that helped me survive high school.

I honestly don’t know why God waited until I was 46 to make me finally understand, and accept who I am. Forty six years old. I had been married to my husband for 20 years at that point. Why then? Was it for my benefit? Or was I being used to help someone else who needed me?

I believe things happen for a reason. But I don’t know why that happened. I can’t really run out, and explore that part of me. (My husband gave me permission to have a girlfriend, but I don’t want to cheat on him) If I can’t do anything about it, why couldn’t I just have stayed ignorant? Why did I have to know?

Accepting my sexuality has not been as difficult for me as it has been for others. But it still isn’t easy. I’ve been told that I wasn’t bi. Like I had to have sex with a female to prove that I’m bi. That I’m a fake gay, and only say it for attention.

I am bisexual. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Their opinion on the subject doesn’t matter at all. I know what I am. it took me 46 years, but I know what I am. I accept it. I don’t necessarily like it, but I do accept it. I don’t like that I’m short, but I can’t change that either.

i still don’t understand how people think it’s a choice. I didn’t choose to feel like a freak. I didn’t choose to hurt my husband by making him feel like he isn’t enough. I did not choose to be attracted to women, I just am.

I’m a mess. I had to wait until I had my mid life crisis to come to terms with being bisexual. As if the raging hormones directed towards males weren’t enough. I had to discover that being turned on by pictures of women meant that I wanted to have sex with them too.

You would think that would be obvious, but I was oblivious. I had no problem admitting that I got turned on by female bodies, but I said it made me want to have sex with a man. Like I said, I had those feelings buried deep.

Once again, I have no idea where I’m going with this. I just started thinking about Laura earlier. i don’t know if she liked the kiss, it was never discussed. And they moved not long after that. How different my life could have been if she had liked it, and they stuck around.

How completely different my life would be if I had known sooner. I don’t know if it would have been better, or if I’d even still be alive. I love my husband, and he is my soul mate. But, what if…..

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5 thoughts on “Why, oh why, am I bi?

  1. acquiescent72 says:

    I used to wonder why God made me. If it was wrong to like the same sex, then why make me that way. Sometimes we are who we are and accepting it is so important.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. acquiescent72 says:

    Reblogged this on Assentively Yours and commented:
    I can’t help but appreciate an entry like this, knowing how many years I tried and tried to rationalize a reason to me sexual activities with both men and women. But I have to say that there is some peace of mind that happens when you come to accept yourself.

    Like

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