Messy emotions

How can you miss someone you’ve never met in person? Someone you’ve only talked to online, and on the phone? I miss my friend, T. I don’t know why, but I played the song I associate with her, and I started crying.

I’ve only talked to her briefly a few times in the last 5 months. The last time was recently. She was going away to help in a disaster zone. And she will likely be gone several months.

I’ve been thinking of her so much in the last few days. I pray that she’s safe, and ok. When I think about her smile, it makes me smile. I’ll probably never get the chance to see it in person.

I know why I started crying. I realized that if she doesn’t reappear to talk to me, I will never know how she is. And that kills me. My feelings are stronger than I realized.

God help me, I don’t need to be feeling that way. I can’t feel that way. She’s married, and her wife is her life. I know that, and I would not do anything to jeopardize that. But I can’t just turn off my emotions.

I am such a mess. I love my husband. He means the world to me. So please tell me how I can love two other people as well. I wish I could understand it. But, I really don’t.

I don’t know if there is something lacking in my personality for having so many emotions, or if I just love too much. Is there something wrong with me?

The weird thing is that I’m ok to love both of those people from a distance. I want them to be happy with their soul mates. But I still love them.

I used to think that I was a simple person, but I’m not. I’m very complex. My emotions are not easily explained. It isn’t about seeking attention. I can get that if I wanted to. It’s the fact that I managed to fall for a man and a woman I only know from online.

I’m not a gullible teenager. I’m not a fool. I just happened to click with three different people. I love all three of them, but I can only be with with husband.

I just have to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I need to love my husband. I can to love the other two, but respect the boundaries that need to be there.

In the past two years, I have learned that you can love more than one person. But you can’t love them equally. My husband is the love of my life. But I believe I am meant to love the other two as well.

Maybe I am delusional. Maybe my emotions have been played with for someone elses entertainment. Or maybe I just got extremely blessed, and have more love than most people ever experience. I don’t know. I just know I have a lot of love to give.


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