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Different loves

Gray’s Anatomy made me cry again. I hate that they killed off Derrick. And leaving Meredith alone. I cry because I imagine what it would be like to lose my husband. And that scares the hell out of me.

I was talking to J while I was watching it. I love him too. We are not each others soul mates, and I’m good with that. But, we have somehow formed a bond that’s strong. It can’t be explained.

I am not in love with J anymore. I don’t imagine us together. I know we will never have a future as a couple. But I love him. I can’t explain how or why it happened, but it did.

I am not a flake who imagines herself to be in love with anyone who pays attention to me. I love two men in different ways. My husband is my soul mate. He is my past, my present and my future. He is the center of my universe.

Society tells us we can only have one true love. I don’t believe that’s true. You can love more than one person. Maybe you can only have one soul mate, but you can love others deeply too.

I happen to love three different people. All very strongly, and in different ways. First, and foremost is my husband. I love J. I’ve loved him for going on two years now. It’s not an infatuation, and it’s not going away. I had to literally force myself to fall out of love with him, but I still love him.

I also love my female friend. I love her as a friend. She doesn’t feel the same, and that’s ok too. It doesn’t change the way I feel about her.

I happen to be a person who loves deeply. I am so blessed to be loved back. I know it isn’t conventional to love three people, but I do. My life has never been typical, so I don’t know why I should expect it to be now.

I’m aware that my feelings hurt my husband. I wish I could change that, but I can’t. I’m fortunate that he accepts me for the flawed person that I am, and loves me anyway.

I am blessed to be married to my soul mate. I am blessed to love J, and know he loves me too. I am blessed that I love my friend as well. I have experienced more love than some people ever will. it’s not easy, and it’s often confusing. But feelings don’t come with an off switch. You can judge me if you want to, it’s easy to do. But you can never truly understand what someone else is going through.

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m foolish, and delusional. I don’t know. I just know the love that I feel. I have an abundance of it. And for that, I am grateful.

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