I heard from her two nights ago. She told me she’s being deployed to the earthquake zone in Nepal. And she could possibly be there for three months. I cried. I worry about her.
I worry about her safety. I worry about her spirit. She’s seen some horrible stuff in her career. There is only so much a person can take.
I pray for her every time I think about her. And some days, that’s quite often. I was ok not hearing from her on a regular basis, because I assumed she was safe, and living her life. But it’s different knowing that she’s somewhere where another earthquake could hit at any moment. It’s different knowing how dangerous it is.
I’ve been keeping my ipod under my pillow at night, just in case she messages me. But nothing. I probably won’t hear from her again in months. But I will think about her all the time.
I honestly don’t know what my feelings are for her. I know I love her as a friend. I’m afraid to allow myself to feel anything else. I shouldn’t feel anything else.
I am married. She’s married. There is no point in having any feelings. But I do have them. I shouldn’t. You would think I would have already learned to control my feelings.
I care about her. I can’t help that. There is nothing I can do about it, but let those feelings exist. Life is so weird. I never would have imagined that i could have feelings for someone I’ve never met in person. But I already know that it is possible.
I am married to a wonderful man. And I love him dearly. I’m not sure how it is possible to love someone else, but I do. I love two someone elses. And I’m not allowed to love either of them.
I know they are both in relationships, and I respect that. I would not do anything to harm either of those. But I still love them. It’s kind of funny how you can feel joy, and sadness at the same thing.
I’m not even sure where I’m going with this. I just thinking about her, and needed to write. I’ll worry about her until I hear from her again. And I just pray that I do hear from her. I pray that she stays safe, and makes it home to her wife. I honestly don’t know how her wife deals with it.
I’m worried about my friend. I just want her back, safe and sound. But all I can do is pray. And I will, just because it makes me feel better.