I wish I had two lives

I wish I could lead a double life. I wish I could have my current life with my husband. But I wish I could also have a life with a woman. That I could have a female soul mate.

I wish I had a girlfriend to snuggle with. A girlfriend to make love with. I wish I had a woman to hang out with. To make out with. I wish I had a woman to fight with, just to have make up sex.

I wish I had a woman to do sappy romantic things for. I wish I had a woman to do sappy romantic things for me. I wish I had a woman to hold hands with as we walked in the rain.

I wish I had a female lover, and could spend my time learning every inch of her. I wish I had a girlfriend who could teach me what it is like to make love.

I want a fairy tale. What I want doesn’t exist. I am not going to go searching for Ms. Right. There is no Princess Charming. I am married to a great guy. I need to be happy with that.

The bisexual me wants my man, and a woman. I can’t deny it. I hate when people call bisexuals greedy, but it seems that I am that way. I yearn for something I’ve never had, and mostly likely, never will.

It makes me sad that I want this, and I know it makes my husband hurt. I wish I was still the person I thought I was when we got married. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I could have explored that part of me.

I honestly wish that sexuality was a choice, because I would not chose this. It freaking hurts. I get angry at myself for wanting these things, and knowing I can’t have them. I get angry at myself knowing that my husband suffers because of the things I want.

I’m crying right now. I am so frustrated. I had a lesbian couple come through my line at work today. I was jealous. I wanted that.

I feel like such a jerk. When I say I have an awesome husband, I’m not exaggerating. He’s smart, he’s funny, he protects me, he cares about me, he turns me on, he’s an honest, honorable man. And most of all, he loves me just the way I am. So, why do a crave a woman?

I don’t want just sex. I was never really into hook ups. I want a relationship, but I don’t see how that is possible. I know some people manage to juggle lovers, I honestly don’t think I can do it.

Just me writing this post is going to hurt my husband, but I need to vent. Writing about things sometimes helps me get it out of my system. I do not want to do anything to jeopardize my marriage. I’ve screwed up too many things in the past two years as it is. Oh, well. I’m still a work in progress. Who knows what will happen in the future.


3 thoughts on “I wish I had two lives

  1. aw, Sweetie! You can have it all… there are ways… the mosy ethocsl is polyamory. But you and your hubby have to create a way together. In my experience, one person cannot fulfil your every need.

    Rather than this desire eat you up, create something real. As hard as it is to do, you first need tofigure what that could possibly be for you… do your homework… then talk to hubby.

    This is not an iver night decision. Babysteps. Anything is possible. You are a Creator.


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