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Life is confusing

It’s Friday night, and I’m sitting home alone. My husband is at work. Me being alone with my feelings is not a good thing right at this moment. I have too much time to think.

When I was young, I never pictured the perfect wedding. I assumed that I would never get married. I didn’t think there would be one person out there who would fit me.

I’m happy that I was wrong. I love my husband, and he is perfect for me. He is far from perfect. And so am I. But we mesh. We clicked from the beginning. I do think I fell in love with him before we ever went out. I just didn’t know it.

Sometimes, it’s weird to think that it could be possible that I have a female soul mate. I know I can love a woman, that has been proven already. It’s just that for my entire life, I was conditioned to believe there would be a “Prince Charming”. Never was there the possibility that I could love a woman romantically.

I have been attracted to females my entire life. I honestly thought that was normal of every female. I didn’t know it meant that I was bisexual. I honestly never thought about it. I didn’t know that me seeking out pornography like Playboy meant that I was attracted to women. (And for a very sheltered child, I came across more porn than I should have)

My husband is my soul mate. I believe that. But if that is the truth, how have I managed to have feelings for other people? I fell in, and out of love with another man. I love a female. I am a mess.

Why are there rules saying we can only love one person at a time? I know for a fact that you can love more than one. Hell, you can love more than two at a time. I know you can love multiple people, but you can’t love them all equally.

I wish I knew why God had to make me bisexual. It’s confusing. It doesn’t help when you have people telling you that you have the devil, you’re sinning, and you’re going to hell.

I am a female who is attracted to both females, and males. I am doing the “normal” accepted thing of being married to a man. But, normal for me isn’t normal for everyone else. I could fall in love with a woman. I could possibly chose to be with a woman forever. That is one of the things I had to accept when I finally accepted myself as being bi.

I don’t know what my point is here. I love my husband. I’m supposed to, right? He is truly an awesome guy, and I’m lucky to have him.

Ugh. Life is not simple. Emotions are not simple. I miss the days when things made sense. When I loved only my husband. A new world has opened up to me, and it’s bewildering. I’m lost. I suppose there is a purpose for everything, even my crazy emotions. Maybe there is a purpose for me loving the people I love. At least I hope so.

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