The Change

Trigger warning: Women stuff

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I’ve been praying for menopause, and now it’s here. I have the hot flashes. I’ve been looking in the mirror, and will literally watch my face turn bright red. Everything is changing. The extreme hornyness I felt for almost two years has almost subsided completely. I’m not even that interested in sex anymore.

One good thing, is that it seems like the periods are over, or might be over soon. I can’t get pregnant, so the monthly reminders were like a slap in the face.

But on the flip side of that coin, it means I will never have a chance of having a baby. I know that at my age, and with my health problems, having one now would not be a good thing. But losing the hope of a possibility is painful.

Hope is a powerful thing. And when you lose it, you actually mourn the loss. I was never actually told I was infertile. But when you have had as much sex as we’ve had, and no pregnancies, you figure it out on your own.

My life is changing, and my body is changing too. I’m getting older. I never thought I’d make it this far. I came so close to dying days before I turned 30. My own body was trying to kill me.

I’ll be relieved to have no more periods. That is a bright side. And I kind of almost relieved that my sex drive has lessened. It’s been rough wanting it so much, and my husband couldn’t keep up (he’s 10 years older). I sought relief in other ways that caused problems between us. (I didn’t physically cheat)

I’m going through the Change. It sucks, but you can’t turn back the clock. I’m grateful I’m still here, and breathing. The lack of sex doesn’t bother me so much now. We still have it, it’s just not the once a day we used to have. Life goes on, and I’m moving into the next phase of my life. Even if I don’t feel like I’m old enough for that yet.