I was listening to John Legend’s All of Me today. It made me think of you. After all, you pointed it out to me two different times. One time was when you were posting links to Youtube songs, and told me you were playing music for me.
I know you weren’t implying anything by it. At least I don’t think so. But the song is very strongly tied to your memory now. I really do miss talking to you.
You made me wonder so many things. Like what it would actually be like to be with a woman. Your descriptions of making love to your wife painted some very vivid pictures in my mind. I envied her.
I was having a conversation with a male friend. He asked me what I wanted in a woman. I didn’t know what to say at first, But then I started describing what I wanted. I realized that I was describing you. Or at least the image I have of you. Someone smart, fun, funny, and sexy. Someone who intrigues me. Someone who makes me want to explore all the hidden cubbyholes of your mind.
I’m married, and you’re married. We both love our spouses, and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt either dynamic. But I have a feeling you’re going to be the one I am searching for, for the rest of my life. I will be looking for a woman like you. I’ll never find her either.
I probably shouldn’t write this. I don’t want to cause any conflicts for you. But I can’t tell you directly. I don’t even know if you’ll ever read it. But I have to say it.
David recently gave me permission to have a girl friend. I thought that’s what I wanted. But it turns out that I don’t want to just hook up with anyone. I wanted you to be my first. But that’s completely impossible. I know that, and I respect it.
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. I know you’re gone. You’re a memory now. I’d rather have you as a completely platonic friend, than to not speak to you again. But it’s not up to me. I miss you.
You set an impossibly high standard for me. I will look for you in other women, and I know that no one will come anywhere near close to you. Maybe that’s a good thing. i won’t be tempted by another woman. I can stay faithful to my husband,
Life is so odd. The signs that I was bisexual were always there in my life, but I didn’t know how to read them. I learned the truth finally. And then you made your presence known to me. With just words, you opened up another world to me.
I am sad that you’re gone, but I’m glad that I met you, even if it was only online. You changed my life, and added a new dimension to it. I will always think of you as my friend, and love you as my friend. Be well.