Just memories and wishes now

I was listening to John Legend’s All of Me today. It made me think of you. After all, you pointed it out to me two different times. One time was when you were posting links to Youtube songs, and told me you were playing music for me.

I know you weren’t implying anything by it. At least I don’t think so. But the song is very strongly tied to your memory now. I really do miss talking to you.

You made me wonder so many things. Like what it would actually be like to be with a woman. Your descriptions of making love to your wife painted some very vivid pictures in my mind. I envied her.

I was having a conversation with a male friend. He asked me what I wanted in a woman. I didn’t know what to say at first, But then I started describing what I wanted. I realized that I was describing you. Or at least the image I have of you. Someone smart, fun, funny, and sexy. Someone who intrigues me. Someone who makes me want to explore all the hidden cubbyholes of your mind.

I’m married, and you’re married. We both love our spouses, and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt either dynamic. But I have a feeling you’re going to be the one I am searching for, for the rest of my life. I will be looking for a woman like you. I’ll never find her either.

I probably shouldn’t write this. I don’t want to cause any conflicts for you. But I can’t tell you directly. I don’t even know if you’ll ever read it. But I have to say it.

David recently gave me permission to have a girl friend. I thought that’s what I wanted.  But it turns out that I don’t want to just hook up with anyone. I wanted you to be my first. But that’s completely impossible. I know that, and I respect it.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. I know you’re gone. You’re a memory now. I’d rather have you as a completely platonic friend, than to not speak to you again. But it’s not up to me. I miss you.

You set an impossibly high standard for me. I will look for you in other women, and I know that no one will come anywhere near close to you. Maybe that’s a good thing. i won’t be tempted by another woman. I can stay faithful to my husband,

Life is so odd. The signs that I was bisexual were always there in my life, but I didn’t know how to read them. I learned the truth finally. And then you made your presence known to me. With just words, you opened up another world to me.

I am sad that you’re gone, but I’m glad that I met you, even if it was only online. You changed my life, and added a new dimension to it. I will always think of you as my friend, and love you as my friend. Be well.


6 thoughts on “Just memories and wishes now

  1. notanne108 says:

    Whoops, looks to me like you’ve fallen for your own fantasy of her… But take it from me – real women generally prove even better…
    And it is not at all so certain that you will not find someone as good as what you’ve imagined about your friend. So don’t lose all hope – you are just as much at risk of falling for a hot babe now as you’ve even been… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I had a friend whose husband was okay with her having a girlfriend. Unfortunately the one she wanted was already married. To me! I wonder what my life might be like today if she had even a fraction of the respect for my marriage that you have for your own and your friend’s. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, which is probably why only the very strong seem able to do it.

    Thanks for a great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Do you know what is ironic? I lived within a few miles of where she worked in Miami in the summer of 1992. I wonder what my life would have been life if I had managed to meet her then, and we had clicked. (I didn’t know I was bisexual at that time) She said I wouldn’t have liked her at that point in her life.
      Anyway, I respect my husband and our marriage. I don’t want to ruin things by being selfish. He has given his conditional ok on the subject of a girlfriend, but he does not like the idea. I respect that. I respect the fact that she is married, and I would not want to interfere with that at all. She will just be “what if” in my life.
      I’m grateful that she entered my life, even if it’s kind of painful that she’s mostly gone now. We both needed each for different reasons.
      Anyway, thanks for the reply. I’m still trying to figure out my life. I only accepted being bi in January of last year. I’m still learning. And I do know that I don’t want to screw up anyone else’s relationship. I don’t want what belongs to someone else. (Well, I guess I do, but I wouldn’t pursue her) I miss being friends with her, and being able to talk to her most of all.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s