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I can have it, but now I don’t want it

I was having a late night conversation in bed with my husband. I was talking about how since he gave me permission to possibly explore the girlfriend idea, I no longer want to do it as much. He didn’t understand how that could be.

I said it was like the idea of forbidden fruit. If you’re told you can’t have something, you want it even more. Once he agreed to the possibility, reality hit. How could I even find someone? Not many women would agree to be the side piece to a married person. And what about logistics? I couldn’t bring her here. How would we spend time together?

Maybe I don’t actually want a girlfriend. I think it’s more of a case of wanting to experience being with a woman. I want to know what it’s like. I’ve been wanting to touch breasts since I was 10. But then there is the reality that I really don’t want to get naked in front of anyone new. I have accepted the body I have, but that doesn’t mean I want to expose it to another person.

I am a mass of contradictions. I want the experience, but I’m too afraid to go after it. I’ve been hurt several times in the past year, and I’m not willing to leave myself open again. And most of all, I’m afraid of falling in love again. If I’ve learned anything in the past year, it’s that I love too easily.

The biggest barrier to me going after a woman is the fact that I don’t want to cheat on my husband. Even though I have his permission, I do still think of it as cheating. Doing it would be incredibly selfish.

I’m at war with myself. I want to explore, but I think that it’s best that I don’t. I need to be uncomplicated again. My life has been in a state of turmoil for almost two years, and I need to find a balance again. I am not going to actively look, but people seem to have a way of finding me. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.

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