I am selfish, but…

I wish my husband wouldn’t read my blog. He reads the surface things, like me saying that I still love J (I do, but I’m not so much in love with him anymore). But he doesn’t read the part about how much I love him, and that he is my soul mate. He focuses on the part that hurts him.

I know…I’m married. I shouldn’t have love for another man, and I shouldn’t be writing about it. But writing about it is my way of processing things. I don’t have a therapist, and the friends I used to be able to talk about those things have abandoned me.  So I write about them on here.

We all deal with things in our own ways. Sometimes saying them aloud (or writing about them) helps me put things in place, and helps me accept them better. Sometimes I don’t even realize certain things until I see them in print.

I hate that I keep hurting my husband. I wish I could lose the feelings I have. In all honesty, they may never go away completely. I have noticed that I have put almost all of the romantic feelings behind me. I know that I can never be with J, and I’m ok with that. I’m glad that he’s happy, and his life with her is moving forward. And I’m glad that I am letting go.

But my husband focuses on the fact that I say I still love J. I do, but it’s mostly reverted back to friendship. I do still need him in my life, but as a friend. At one point, I needed his love too. He was a step in the process that I needed to get to me.

I wish I could comply with my husband’s wishes that I cut off communications with J, but I can’t. I am selfish where that is concerned. I need him as a friend. But things are constantly changing. J is moving on with his life. He’ll probably always be around, but not nearly as much as he used to be. And that’s the way things should be.

I am being selfish by continuing to talk to J. It’s only on a friendship level now. There is nothing sexual there anymore. We don’t talk about could have been. Part of the reason I want to keep in contact with him, is that I’m curious how his life is unfolding. Frankly, it’s been interesting hearing how their relationship has progressed. He’s my friend, and I like knowing that he’s happy.

I respect my husband’s wishes where it comes to me not having a girlfriend, but I’m not going to give up a friendship that is important to me. Yes, at one point in time, emotions got out of control. But they are controlled now. We are back to being friends, with no chance of anything else ever happening. It’s a choice to keep J in my life, and for now, he is there. Maybe one day that will change, but I hope that’s a ways down the road. I like having him as a friend.


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