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Obsessed

I was sitting in the library today, writing in my journal. I started thinking about my past. For someone who leads a pretty boring life, I’ve had more than a few obsessive men in my life.

The first one was the cook at my first job. I kissed him because I was inexperienced, and curious. In his mind, that meant that I had to have sex with him. He tasted like an ash tray when I kissed him, so I was not interested in having sex with him. He did his best to get me fired because I refused him. He ended up getting himself fired in the process.

The second one was a cook at my second. I also kissed him because I was curious. (I apparently do not learn lessons easily) He proceeded to follow me into a stockroom, and grope me. I told the managers, and they just told him to apologize. He got thrown back in jail for a probation violation, and he was calling me from jail. I was really afraid that he would try to rape me.

The third one was a guy in prison that I was asked to write to. He kept insisting that he loved me. I never believed that. Things happened like me moving back to Florida, and then back to Delaware. He eventually quit writing me.

The fourth one was another guy I worked with. He was a nut case, but I didn’t know that at first. That’s a long story, and I’ve written about it before. (He was the one who was murdered)

The fifth one was another guy I worked with. I was friendly to him, but nothing else. He came up to me one day and told me that if my marriage didn’t work out (I’d only been married a few months) that he was there.

The sixth one was a sociopath I met online. I turned him down several times in a 24 hour period, and he got extremely angry at me. Went on a rant that lasted for hours. He figured that I was easy, but I wasn’t easy for him.

I have a guy I used to talk to who shows up every few months to remind me that he’s around. I had someone tell me the other night that I’m his. I said no I wasn’t. That set off warning bells.

I’m not sure why these things happen to me. So, occasionally I’ve been curious. But how do they equate a kiss with assuming I’m going to have sex with them?  How do they equate a few conversations with me being “theirs”? And once I start listing them, I realize that it really does seem excessive. I don’t get it. I’m boring. I didn’t even include the security guard who conned me into going into a locked building with him, and then sexually assaulted me.

Life is weird. And I don’t learn lessons. But I didn’t think I’d get assaulted or sexually harassed because I kissed someone. I didn’t think a man with mental issues would become obsessed with me. I didn’t think someone I wrote to as a pen pal would insist that he loved me. I didn’t know a coworker would think that I would be interested in him because I was nice, and gave him a ride home a few times.

My personality is open, and too trusting. I speak frankly about things like sex. I’m honest, and not fake at all. And I’m boring. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m not supposed to get it. Some of those people helped change my life. I still find it weird that I have been the focus of some of these people.

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