I wish it made sense

I like when things make sense. I like when there is a logical explanation for things, and events. I like knowing why things happen. The problem is, I can’t explain why I fell in love with a man who isn’t my husband. It does not make sense. It isn’t logical.

The rational part of me can accept that it happened for a reason. I needed it to happen. He needed it to happen. But why did it have to happen that way? Could the results have happened if we were just friends?

I don’t want to be in love with him. It’s painful at times. I cry when I shouldn’t because of it. The rational part of my brain can handle that he has his girlfriend, and he’s happy. But there is that small, irrational part that wishes I was the reason he was happy. Once again, it doesn’t make sense.

I love my husband, and I am happy with him. That has never been in doubt. So why did I develop feelings for someone else? Why can’t I completely shake those feelings? What is it about him that I can’t let go of?

He’s made promises he won’t keep. He can’t even send me a picture of himself. He says we’ll meet some day, but I doubt that will happen. Even if we were both single, we would never be right for each other.

The rational part of me knows all this. I accept it. But emotions aren’t rational. I really wish they were. I believe in God, there is no tangible proof that he exists, but that doesn’t stop me from believing. I believe in ghosts, because I’ve seen two. But I don’t have proof of that. I love someone I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop doing that. Rationality tells me to stop, to give it up. I wish I could.

For some unknown reason, I bonded with him. It was just friends at first, but the feelings changed. It’s complicated. But it’s simple at the same time. I love him. It’s simple because love is love. But it’s complicated because we both have our soul mates. He touched a part of me that I didn’t know existed.

There are times I wish that hadn’t happened. I was happy in my ignorance. Emotions aren’t logical. You don’t always love the people you should, and sometimes you love someone completely wrong for you.

I don’t know why this happened to me. I do believe it was meant to, though. Love is not rational, and it certainly isn’t logical. We’re humans, not machines.

I’m a damn mess. I look in the mirror at my wrinkles, and grey hair, and I think that I must be insane. None of this really happened. It’s just the delusions of a middle aged woman. But it did happen. The rational part of me is ok 98% of the time. But that 2% when I let my mind wander where it shouldn’t, causes the pain. It brings the tears.

I really do wish this made sense to me. But it doesn’t. I just have to live with it, and hope that one day the feelings fade away. I don’t have the strong feelings I did a year ago, because I am letting go gradually. But the feelings will remain in some form. So, sometimes I cry.

I’m glad I love my husband. That makes perfect sense. He fits me in every way possible. It’s logical. It makes me happy. But life never lets anything be completely easy. I love my friend. It doesn’t make sense, it just is. I could drive myself crazy trying to figure it out. But it just is. I can’t explain how a radio works, but I accept it. I can’t explain why I fell for my friend. It doesn’t make sense. But sometimes you just have to have faith that the universe has its reasons for the things that defy logic. It isn’t logical at all, but it doesn’t have to be. Everything doesn’t always fit into neat, labeled boxes.


One thought on “I wish it made sense

  1. On my systems engineering team, we had a saying: You don’t have to know all of the answers – you just have to know who does. Even as well as we understood the computer systems we worked on – from the hardware we put together to the software we installed to run them, we’d often run into things for which we had no answers to… but we’d find out who did.

    I think about your situation and, to me, it’s not hard to understand why you fell in love with him even though you dearly love your husband and I also think that you do know the answer to this question as well… but the problem is that you keep insisting that it shouldn’t have happened – but don’t feel bad because a lot of people would say the exact same thing.


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