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Selfish

We never think of the effects of our actions while we’re doing them. In February of 1992, I got drunk one night. A co-worker happened to be at the apartment I shared with another co-worker. I ended up sleeping with him.

I never thought about how wrong it was, he was married. I never thought about the effects it would have on his family. I never considered that it would effect his job. I wasn’t thinking about anything, but myself.

He went to work the following night (I was off) and he did something that got him fired. I don’t know if he was angry because of what we’d done, but he was angry about something. He lost his job. He lost his wife and home too, from what I understand.

I didn’t see him after I moved to Miami, and back again to Delaware. Several months later, he showed up where I worked, informed me he was staying at a hotel, and asked me to join him. I was so stunned, I didn’t say anything. He left. I was so shocked, I didn’t even think to tell him that I was dating someone (my husband) then.

I was selfish. I didn’t think about him, I just knew what I wanted. I didn’t consider everything. I don’t know if he ever cheated on his wife before, but I don’t think he did. I never should have put that temptation there. I didn’t get him drunk, or seduce him, but I never should have told him he could join me if he wanted to.

I am still selfish. For over a year, I’ve been dealing with feelings for someone other than my husband. David and I had a blow up today. He told me how much it hurts him when I mention J. It hurts him when he reads my blog. I have to stop that. No more trying to not be in love, I just have to not be that way anymore. My husband deserves my respect, and my attention, and he hasn’t had it 100%.

I once said something to J about wishing he had never told me that he loved me. He told me I should have shut him down. And he’s right, I should have. I didn’t behave like a married woman. That was my mistake.

Well, I need to repair my mistakes. I need to work on my marriage. I know it’s not easy to let go of feelings, but it has to be done. I love my husband too much to lose him, and I’ve gotten dangerously close to that. I need to learn how to be selfless instead of selfish.

Years ago, I read To Kill A Mockingbird. It kind of hit me hard. Mayella Ewell basically condemned a man to death because she hit on him. She wanted something, and it backfired badly. I saw myself as Mayella. I did something because I wanted to, and it had some serious repercussions.

Because of me taking what I wanted, it effected other peoples lives. I can’t do that anymore. It isn’t harmless. It has caused pain. I need to back off. If I lose my friend in the process, it will hurt. I don’t want that to happen. But I need to protect my marriage. My husband doesn’t have an endless supply of patience. I need to work on the being selfless. And it isn’t going to be easy.

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