I’m pathetic. I was looking through my journal, and I saw so many pages starting out saying that I was done with J. I wish that was true. I just have to accept that I will always have feelings for him, and let them exist.
It’s such a bizarre thing. I love him. And I’m glad he found his soul mate. He’s happy with her, and she’s good for him. He can be telling me about her, and I’ll have a smile on my face because I’m happy for him. But I’ll also have tears running down my face because I feel sad for myself. Is that a paradox?
The logical part of me accepts that we have never been/could never be a couple. My heart still wants what it wants. In spite of the fact I have my soul mate, and he has his.
I wish I could understand why he has any effect on me at all. But there is some kind of bond there that can’t be explained. he is not my soul mate. We are not meant to be together. But something exists that does bind us together as friends.
I’m no threat to his relationship with his girlfriend. I’ve encouraged him, and his relationship with her the entire time. She is good for him, and he needs her. She fits him.
I love him, and I will probably always be a little in love with him. But because I love him, I just want him to be happy. And the change in him since he’s been with her is amazing.
So, I’m his friend, who happens to love him too. But it does make smile to know he’s happy. I wish them many happy years together.