I’m glad he’s happy

I’m pathetic. I was looking through my journal, and I saw so many pages starting out saying that I was done with J. I wish that was true. I just have to accept that I will always have feelings for him, and let them exist.

It’s such a bizarre thing. I love him. And I’m glad he found his soul mate. He’s happy with her, and she’s good for him. He can be telling me about her, and I’ll have a smile on my face because I’m happy for him. But I’ll also have tears running down my face because I feel sad for myself. Is that a paradox?

The logical part of me accepts that we have never been/could never be a couple. My heart still wants what it wants. In spite of the fact I have my soul mate, and he has his.

I wish I could understand why he has any effect on me at all. But there is some kind of bond there that can’t be explained. he is not my soul mate. We are not meant to be together. But something exists that does bind us together as friends.

I’m no threat to his relationship with his girlfriend. I’ve encouraged him, and his relationship with her the entire time. She is good for him, and he needs her. She fits him.

I love him, and I will probably always be a little in love with him. But because I love him, I just want him to be happy. And the change in him since he’s been with her is amazing.

So, I’m his friend, who happens to love him too. But it does make smile to know he’s happy. I wish them many happy years together.


One thought on “I’m glad he’s happy

  1. Nope… you’re not pathetic. Look, my friend, if you can accept that the two of you will probably never see each other in the flesh – and you’re okay with that – why can’t you just accept the fact that you love him and be wowed with your ability to do something that people say you shouldn’t be able to do?

    Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you always have to – or should – do anything about it and, believe me, I know this from experience. It doesn’t feel as good as being able to do something about it; when I think about the woman I love but can’t have, if I think about her 100 times, 99 of those times I don’t have the urge to find her and ravage the hell out of her. Instead, I just feel good about it… and life goes on, no muss, no fuss.

    It takes an effort of will, my friend, and I know that you are strong enough to just accept the fact that you love him and smart enough to know exactly why you can’t and shouldn’t do anything else.

    This changes one’s notions of what love is supposed to be like, doesn’t it? We’re taught or otherwise believe that we can only be in love with one person at a time; we’re taught or otherwise believe that when you love someone, expressing that love is mandatory and must always be taken care of. When we marry someone we love, we’re taught or otherwise believe that this is it – we’re never gonna fall in love with someone else.

    And it’s lie, as we both have found out – and as many other people have found out. We can feel what we feel but sometimes, we just cannot and should not do anything else other than have those feelings and more so when doing something will cause more problems than not doing.

    Liked by 1 person

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