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Enough already

A year and a half ago, I spent three or more hours a night talking to him. Now, I’m being ignored. It hurts. I do get that it’s needed. The only way I can truly let go, is to quit talking to him. But it’s not my choice. I don’t want to let go as a friend. But I can’t have it both ways. I can’t stay a friend without still being in love with him.

Sometimes I wish I’d never met him. I wish he hadn’t told me he loved me. I wish I hadn’t discovered that I loved him. But it did happen. It changed me. It made me a better person. But it hurt me too.

I never wanted any of that to happen. I had no idea you could fall in love when you were already in love. I didn’t know you could love more than one person. I found out the hard way that you can.

Sometimes growing as a person is painful. I’ve cried so many tears. And I feel like a fool. I am married to a wonderful man. He’s much better than I ever deserved. I wish I knew why I had to fall in love with someone so not suited for me. Maybe seeing what he is made me appreciate my husband much more.

I gave up the romantic nonsense months ago. I accepted there was no way we could ever be together. He has a future with his girlfriend. And I was good with all that. But I miss just talking to him. I miss him as the friend he used to be. I do get that he needs to focus his energy on her, and not on me. But it still hurts.

It’s funny how your rational mind can accept something, but your emotions go in the opposite direction. I need to let go, it’s the right thing to do. But I don’t want to let go completely. I want my friend back.

Sometimes I wish I had the strength to block him. Then I wouldn’t be constantly checking to see if he said anything. But I can’t do that. Sometimes I have to fight the urge to speak to him, but if he can’t respond to me, I’m not forcing the issue. I won’t chase anyone.

So, it’s his choice if he wants to continue as friends or not. Whatever will be, will be. For now, the longer he doesn’t speak to me, the easier it is to let go. Right now, I feel hurt. I wouldn’t treat someone like that. I want to lash out, but I won’t. He has to do what he has to do. I need to let go. It’s time I did.

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