I am me, whatever that is

I was just thinking about types and stereotypes. Months ago, I had a conversation with my lesbian friend. She asked what type of woman I was attracted to. I didn’t know how to answer, so I said curvy ones. She said that wasn’t what she meant. She wanted to know if I liked butch, feminine or in between. I didn’t know I had to pick one.

But I was just thinking. The two females I’ve felt the most attracted to are in between. They aren’t butch by any means, but they aren’t very feminine either. And I think I fall in that category too. I’ve never been very “girly”.

Then that led me to other thoughts. When I was 16, I spent the summer with my sister and her family. She took me to get my hair styled. I chose to get it cut short. The first time ever in my life. When I got off the plane, I walked right by my parents, and they didn’t recognize me.

My mom had a fit. She called my sister, and chewed her out for letting me do that. But to me, it felt freeing. I liked it. I was just wondering if maybe my mom knew that I was into girls too, and had a fit because she thought I might be a lesbian. I never considered that before, but I’m curious now.

My first year in college, I cut my own hair. I chopped it off boy short. My parent picked me up from school, and we came to Delaware to visit my dad’s brother. My aunt looked at me and said, “If it wasn’t for the boobs, I would have thought you were a boy.” Yeah, I wasn’t feminine at all.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. Just some random thoughts that popped into my head. I had a picture of me in college, but I decided not to include it. I never outgrew that awkward stage.

I’m not feminine. I’m not girly. I’ve never had a manicure or a pedicure.  I don’t even own a pair of heels. I haven’t worn a dress in years. I’m not masculine either. I buy men’s stuff because it fits me, and it usually has to do with the Miami Dolphins. But I don’t buy mens clothes to look like a man.

Currently, my hair is long. It’s about halfway down my back. It’s never been this long before. I like it long, because I can put it up a bun, and ignore it. My husband likes when I take it out of the bun, because it’s wavy, and looks sexy to him. I honestly don’t know what my husband finds attractive about me, but I’m glad he does.

I’m just me. I’m short and stubby. I have wrinkles and gray hair now. I have green eyes and freckles. I’m not very feminine, and I’m not masculine. I am just me. That’s all I know how to be.


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