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Love

I wish I wasn’t such a screwed up person.  I wish I didn’t love as much as I do. I wish I was content with what I have.

I never went looking for anything, or anyone, but they found me. Why did they enter my life? And why did they leave? Did they benefit from it? Did it hurt them to leave?

Loving hurts. It hurts to want someone you can’t have. I’m a better person for the love, but it still aches. Some people never get to experience love. I have experienced too much of it. I allowed people into my heart that I probably shouldn’t have.

I don’t understand any of it. I love my husband. He is my soul mate. But the others filled needs I didn’t even know I had. I love them in different ways.

If someone told me that they had feelings for 4 different people, I would probably think they’re nuts, or desperate for attention. I’m not nuts, confused, but not nuts. I’m not desperate for attention. I just happened to enjoy the time I spent with them. I fell for friends.

But two of the four are probably gone for good. They changed me forever, just by being themselves. I suppose it’s time to let go, but I don’t want to let go of them. But everything changes, it was bound to happen. That doesn’t make it any easier.

I am so tired. Why did they have to happen to me? I only approached one. And that was because I was worried about him. He became a friend, then I fell in love with him. Why? I accept that we will never be together, but the love won’t go away. I’ve tried.

I am so stupid. I’m going to lose the good I have if I don’t get my act together. But I’m in love with two men, and have love for two women. Yay, me.

They say you never run out of love, you are just able to give more. I need to learn to protect myself. The hurt is devastating. But if you never take a chance, you will never know what can happen. I love people I can’t be with, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t benefited from it.

I have learned that love isn’t defined. Love doesn’t fit in molds. You love people in different ways. There is a difference between loving, and being in love. You risk getting hurt, but you have to just see what happens. Even if they have left my life, I will always love them. I will carry them in my heart. I have been cursed, or I have been blessed. If you asked me which one, my answer would depend on the day and mood. I choose to consider myself blessed.

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