On being bi

I’ve asked the question before, how did it take me 46 years to discover/accept that I’m bisexual? I had crushes on female teachers. I checked out porn magazines whenever I got my hands on them. I liked kissing my 7 year old neighbor girl when I was 7. I wanted to touch breasts since I was 10, and had my own. I could admit that looking at pictures of women turned me, but I said it just made me want a man.

I think because I am an introvert, and loner, I never had the chance to discuss those things with other females. I just assumed every female felt that way. I honestly didn’t know that it wasn’t typical for every female.

Part of me is glad that I didn’t know it earlier. If I had realized it when I was young, there is a good chance I might have committed suicide. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Not to mention the fact I have very homophobic relatives.

But part of me wishes I had known it when I was younger. I wish I had had the opportunity to explore it. I wish I could have experienced things. But with my personality, I doubt I would have had the actual chance to do those things. I also wouldn’t have met my husband either.

That fact that I am attracted to men as well made it easier to ignore the attraction to females. Even in my sexuality, I have to be different. I am attracted to men and women. I now know that I can love both. Thankfully, I never dealt with feeling like it was unnatural.

I went to a small Christian college. I remember sitting in chapel, and getting lectured about homosexuality. And the story of a guy who came out as bi, and got rejected by both sexes. Yeah, that made me bury the feelings even deeper. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had gone to a regular college. Would I have experimented at all?

It took me 46 years to be comfortable with accepting myself. It took a series of events for it to come about. Those events lowered barriers I had up. It freed me up to accept it.

I’m grateful for another thing that the late acceptance helped with. I grew up being heavily involved in church. I don’t have a conflict in being bisexual, and being a Christian. I was born this way. It was never a choice. So, if God made me this way, he must be good with it.

I don’t have a problem with being bi. Some of my so called friends did. I was told by my sister that it was the devil, and I needed to “get right”. Another sister spouted the “hate the sin, love the sinner” nonsense. I told them both it was the way I was born and not a choice. They think otherwise, but that is their problem, not mine.

I came out on Twitter to positive comments. I came out on Facebook, and had some people unfriend me. But I got a surprising number of positive comments on there. I’m grateful for WordPress, It’s good to interact with people, and learn more about it.

It’s funny how I’m reacting to things. I could accept that I’m bi, but I realized that meant I wasn’t straight, I felt like I got punched in the gut. It hit me how different things were going to be by accepting being bi. It meant that if I ever had sex with a woman, it would be gay/lesbian sex. Very obvious things, but I didn’t really think of those things before.

Oh yeah, I’m still a virgin when it comes to the female part of the bisexuality. I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years. So, I can’t explore. I can’t experience those things. The closest I will come is talking to a lesbian friend online.

That brings to mind another facet of coming out. My husband said he thought it was a phase. My online guy said that No, I wasn’t. Then he said I wasn’t bi until I had sex with a female. His reaction kind of baffled me. Like he was personally offended that I liked women. He has since accepted that I am bi after doing some research.

The one thing that has annoyed me the most, is the assumption that there would be threesomes in my future. That would not happen. I don’t want an audience when I’m with someone. And if I happened to be interested in a lesbian, she wouldn’t want a man anywhere near her.

Yeah, I’m bisexual. It’s frustrating because I can’t fully discover all that it entails. I am attracted to women. I find it amusing that the same type of women turn me and my husband on. We both check women out while we’re in public. We’ve always had the rule that you can look, but not touch. And if you get excited, bring it home.

I do want to be with a woman. I have brought up the idea of me being allowed to have a girl friend, and he hasn’t said no. I doubt that would happen, but anything is possible. He knows that my conversations with my lesbian friend get intense and sexual, and he is ok with it. I’m not quite sure he actually realizes that I can have the same feelings for a female that I can have for a man.

So, my situation is that I’m a married, middle aged, newly out of the closet bisexual. I can’t indulge in things, but at least I now know what I am. I have accepted it. I really do doubt I will have a relationship with a female, but that’s ok too. I am bisexual. Admitting that was a major deal to me. So, I will just have to see what the future brings.


4 thoughts on “On being bi

  1. I know that some people who are introverted can embrace bisexuality (and even homosexuality) but studies I’ve read on the topic aren’t quite conclusive about why this is and more so when some people who are extroverted area liable to embrace the same things. I’ve thought that introversion gives the introvert a lot of time to think about things and to even examine “out of the box” things and be rather open-minded about it so the things you mention here doesn’t come as a surprise to me, just like using your attraction to men to deflect your attraction to women doesn’t surprise me because we’re “supposed” to be attracted to the opposite sex. One can forget their same-sex attraction but at some point, it always seems to come back and remind you that it’s still there… and now you need to pay some attention to it.

    To wait and see is a positive thing – you just never say never!


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