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It’s been a bizarre ride

If you had told me 28 months ago, that I would fall in love with someone online, I would have told you that you’re crazy. I was already in love with my husband. And I didn’t believe that you could fall for someone you’d never met.

I never went looking for anything. I followed this guy because we shared a favorite sports team. He tweeted a few things, and I responded. I messaged him one night, because I was worried about him. A friendship grew from there.

We would talk for 3 or 4 hours almost every night. I didn’t know it, but things changed. One night he told me he was catching feelings for me. I’d never heard that phrase before, so I had to ask him what he meant. I then assumed it was just a crush. Nothing serious.

Then a few weeks later, he said some things that upset me. I was really worried about. He wouldn’t respond to me. I cried. Then in the middle of the crying, it hit me why I was so upset and worried. I realized that I loved him. That I was in love with someone 18 years younger than I am.

I realized that everything had changed. I didn’t want that change. I didn’t want to be in love with someone else. I didn’t want to hurt my husband. And I knew that just the fact that I had feelings for someone else was going to hurt him.

About a week later, he told me that he loved me. I had to say it back. I was never going to tell him, because I didn’t want to lose the friendship. So, with the change in feelings, the relationship changed. It became more intense.

We still haven’t met in person. I’ve never kissed him, or even hugged him. I may never meet him. That doesn’t matter. He changed me, and he changed my life. For better or worse, I’m a different person.

There have been so many times that I wished he’d never said anything. I’ve wished I never talked to him. But I believe it was meant to happen. I needed him at that point in my life. And I believe that he needed me too.

Fast forward a few months, he meets his person, the one woman who fits him. They are suited for each other, and she brings out the best in him. I am happy for them.

So, at that point, I’m still in love with him, but I know I am not what he needs. I can never be that for many reasons. So begins the slow process of letting go of emotions I didn’t need to hold on to.

I know I’ve been over this so many times already. It happened to me, and I still don’t understand it. I don’t understand how you can love more than one person, but it’s possible.

I’ve learned so many things. I learned that you can fall in love with a personality. I learned that numbers don’t matter when it comes to falling in love. I learned that attraction isn’t always physical. I learned that you can love someone enough to let them go. I learned how powerful words are. I learned how much you can hurt someone but loving another person.

Oddly enough, falling for him made me appreciate my husband so much more. I learned that appreciate him always having my back. I appreciate that he treats me respect, and acts like I’m the most precious thing on earth. I appreciate the fact that he didn’t give up on me, or on our marriage.

I fell in love online, but it’s something that was never meant to grow. We could never be a couple. I’ve always known that. It didn’t stop me from wanting some things, but knowing that fact made it easier to accept him being with his soul mate.

Although the entire thing is bizarre, it did happen. Things could have gone completely haywire if I did meet him in person. I am with my husband, the place I’ve wanted to be for 21 years. My online guy is with his soul mate. Without us happening, he probably wouldn’t be with her. Things happen for a reason.

I could have done without all the tears, and drama. I wish more than anything that my husband wasn’t hurt because of this. But it did happen. We changed. I still love him, but as a friend again.

Aw, screw it. It happened. I could sometimes wish it hadn’t, but it did. Life goes on, but differently now than it did two years ago. There is a part of me that wishes I could have both men in a romantic sense, but I know that isn’t possible. And I’m good with that. I already have the best man for me.

It’s been a roller coaster ride, but it’s leveling off now. Life is getting back to normal. Will I always have feelings for him? Yes, without a doubt. But they are in the background.

It’s kind of funny/ironic that falling in love with another man actually made me love my husband more. I learned that I don’t want to ever be without him. It made me pay attention to the treasure I do have. And that is a great thing.

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