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It isn’t logical

I have fallen in love twice in my life. Both times it started out with simple conversations that eventually became more involved. I have no idea how it happened either time. The love literally snuck up on me both times.

The situations were similar in that way, but so different in other ways. The two men are so different. My husband is white, and ten years older than I am. He has a very similar background to mine. J is black, and 18 years younger. He has a very different background. It doesn’t matter, because both times, I fell for the personalities.

Love doesn’t make sense. It isn’t rational. You can drive yourself crazy trying to understand it. My husband is my soul mate. He fits me. I share a connection to J that I can’t explain. He is a very important friend to me, he always will be. I do still love him, but I’m good with just being a friend.

I know I’ve gone over this subject so many times, but it is still something I think about often. Two very different men, and I fell in love with both of them. And I fell for J while already being in love with David. I know people say that isn’t possible, but it is. It shocked me when I realized that it happened.

You can love multiple people, but you can’t love them equally. That I don’t think is possible. My heart, and my future belong to David. But there is a part of my emotions that will always be tied to J. The part of me that hoped for some sort of romantic future has let go of those thoughts. They were destructive, because they could never happen.

I don’t understand everything that has happened. It isn’t logical. It doesn’t make sense. All I know is that I love both of them. I also know this causes my husband pain, and I hate that. But you can’t just let an emotion because you want to. I have tried to lose the emotions I have, but it isn’t possible. The intensity has faded, but the emotions are there. I have let go of the hope, and the expectations of anything. That does make it easier to deal with.

I’m one of those people who have to be able to understand things. Being in love with two men is not logical. It can’t be understood, it can only be accepted. I have accepted that it was meant to happen. I have also accepted that the love for J can only be the love of friends. So why can’t I get this out of my mind? I wish it made sense.

the heart

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