I’m a mess today. It’s been a weird week. This is the fifth attempt at writing today. First I wanted to rant. Then I wanted to beg someone to come back. I’m tired, and stressed.

I was having an anxiety attack before work yesterday. I was getting in the car, about to go to work when my husband pulled up. His car failed inspection, and he was mad. He made some comments that triggered more anxiety in me. I hyperventilated. Then I had to go to work, and deal with one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever encountered.

I’ve been talking to a friend having personal problems. I’m so afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing, and I don’t want to do that. I’m dealing with jealousy from someone who has no right to be jealous.

I hate this time of year. David’s birthday is next week, and once again, I can’t do anything for him. I missed work & had to pay for a doctor visit and meds, so no money for anything. The holidays are coming, and more pressure to do things I can’t do.

Our 21st anniversary is next month. That’s a good thing, but at the same time, I feel like a hypocrite. I fell in love with someone else. Do I have any right to celebrate with my husband?

We have survived together for almost 22 years. I have no idea how we made it this far. I was feeling bad at work last night. David came in, and gave me a hug. He sat there, and talked to me while I was cleaning.

David is a bright point in my life. He is my life, and that scares me. I came so close to losing him because of my actions. It’s kind of ironic that me falling in love with someone else made me realize how many good qualities my husband has.

David has always loved me, I’ve never doubted that. He’s always had my back, and protected me. He’d do anything for me that he could. He shows me that he loves me every day. He shows me constantly, so I never expect a grand gesture on some made up day like Valentines.

Life with him isn’t perfect. We both make mistakes. But I smile when I see him. He makes me laugh. ☺ Snuggling with him is one of the best feelings.

I started out writing in a bad mood. So many negative things came to mind. But focusing on my husband made my mood improve. I am a confused mess of a person, but I am blessed.



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