Once a loner, always a loner

I’ve been a loner my entire life. Even though I’ve been married for almost 21 years, we are two loners who share a life together. In the past 18 months, I made some friends through Twitter. I talked to these people for hours at a time. They became important to me.

But, things change. They’ve all pulled away, and are moving on. I feel like I’m mourning a loss. I don’t know if I changed, and I drove them away. Or if they changed, and just no longer feel the need to be so connected.

I just know it hurts. I miss them. I miss talking to them, and laughing with them. I even miss the sexual component that was there as well.

I know things change. My entire life has changed in the past year. But I really do miss them. I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to chase someone, and demand they stay in touch. It’s their choice to go, I have to accept that.

One is gone, she made that choice without even telling me goodbye. The other two still talk to me, but it’s just polite conversation. I know I need to let go. It’s time to. But I don’t want to let to go. I still want them in my life.

I need a focus in my life, and I just don’t have one. Even my husband is pushing me away again. The last time that occurred, it opened the door for things that never should have happened. I can’t let that happen again.

I’ve feeling kind of abandoned. I miss my friends. But they don’t miss me. I’m back to being a loner again. And that is painful when you’ve experienced something else.

I don’t make friends easily. I never have. J & T but said that they weren’t going anywhere, but K told me the same thing just days before she cut me out of her life.

Can life quit teaching me lessons? I’ve learned how cruel, and unfair things can be. I’ve learned how you can love someone, and be hurt by them. Sometimes I just want to be a hermit, and have no contact with anyone. You don’t get hurt that way. I’m tired of feeling too much. Love hurts, and life hurts.


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