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Loving them

Sometimes I think about my life, and I am so confused. I have no idea how I came to love 4 different people. I fell in love with my husband almost 22 years ago. I fell in love with J last year. I also love K & T.

I know, I sound like a crazy mixed up mess. But somehow I love four people. Some people say there isn’t a difference between being in love and loving someone. I do think there is a difference. I’m in love with David and J, but I love K & T.

Of course, I can’t love them all equally. I love my husband more than anything. But at the same time, these other three people have taken up spots in my heart. And it’s cool. I can love them, and wish them all the happiness they can have. There is just a little something extra that makes my heart smile when I interact with them.

Believe it or not, I do not end up loving every person I talk to. I don’t latch on to everyone I interact with. But there is something about each of them that clicks with my soul. Each of them attracts me in different ways.

K made me question my sexuality. Because her personality drew me so strongly, I had to accept that I’m bisexual. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I love K. I love her as a friend. I could easily be in love with her too, but she’s not interested. I’m happy to have her as a friend. She means a great deal to me.

Maybe saying I love T is kind of pushing a boundary, but I don’t know. I love her as a friend too. I’m not in love with her either. I know I enjoy her company. I love talking to her. I worry about her. And I think about her a lot. She’s in a relationship, and I would not want to interfere in that, but she is special to me.

J was an acquaintance who became a friend. That friendship changed, and deepened. I love him as a friend, and I always will. I fell in love with him too. I’m struggling with that part. I know I need to let go, and I’m working on it. Those feelings are lessening, but I doubt they’ll ever disappear.

David is my husband of almost 21 years. He is my soul mate. It’s seems contradictory that I say that after saying I love three other people as well. But here’s the thing, David has loved me so well all these years, that I have more love to give away. Me loving them does not cheapen what I feel for my husband. I love him more now, than I ever did.

Sometimes I get frustrated, and I feel like I’m cursed for having so many emotions. But, mostly, I feel blessed. Some people never experience love, and I have an abundance. Maybe I’m delusional. Maybe I am crazy. But I’ve had the wonderful experience of loving several people. I know it seems weird that I love them all at once. But is it really any different than loving multiple people at different times?

Four people, all of them different. Male and female. White and black. I love them. You can judge me all you want. I wouldn’t believe it someone told me this story. I would think it’s not possible. I found out it is possible. Life is strange, and very unexpected.

A kind of side note here, the fact that I can love a woman and it feels completely natural, is a blessing. I haven’t struggled as much accepting that I’m bi. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t, because it complicates things. But I’m glad I came to accept myself when I was older, and not when I was young and confused.

K was drinking tonight. She told me she loved me. I already knew that, but it still made me smile for a long time. I love, and I am loved in return. I am a very fortunate woman.

So, maybe I’m nuts. Or maybe I’m just blessed. I love, and am loved. You can’t ask for anything more than that.

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