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Wanting what I can’t have

I had a conversation with husband. I asked him if he would be ok with me having a girlfriend. He didn’t say no. He said he’d think about it. He doesn’t want to share me. That’s understandable. He shouldn’t have to. But at the same time, I want to be with a woman. I want to be able to experience those things. I don’t want to cheat on him.

Where do you go when you’re stuck? I want what I want, but I can’t have it. It’s frustrating. There’s no guarantee I could even find someone if I tried. I certainly don’t have alot to offer. I’m middle aged, overweight, have wrinkles and gray hair. All I have is my personality, and my love. Could I even attract a woman?

Finding a male lover would be easy. I’ve never had a problem there. I don’t want a male lover, I want a woman. I want the softness, and the curves. I want something I’ve never had.

I want one female in particular, but that can never happen. It’s funny to think we could bumped into each other in Miami, and never have known it. When I brought that up in a conversation one time, she said I wouldn’t have liked her then. My life would have been so completely different if I had met her then, and we had connected. Another “what if” to add to my collection.

Things work out how they are supposed to work. But people change. I’m not the same person I was when I got married 21 years ago. I have changed. I have accepted the part of me I kept hidden for my entire life. When I opened that door, all the desires that had been locked up came rushing out.

I want to make love to a woman. I want to have all that comes with that. I want to taste. I want to touch. I want it, but I can’t have it. I can’t have her.

I feel like a kid looking in a candy store window. All those fabulous treats in sight, but I can never taste them. I can’t enjoy them. All I can do is look. All I can do is imagine what they taste like.

We all make choices. I made a choice to commit my life to my husband. That was over two decades ago. I really am not that person anymore. I want more. It makes me feel like crap. I don’t want to make my husband feel like he isn’t enough for me. But he can’t give me the thing I do want.

What happens if he does agree to let me have a girlfriend? Will it ruin our marriage? Things have been so rocky this past year. I wish things were as simple as they were 21 years ago. But they aren’t. I have to learn to deal with things I never imagined I would have to deal with. Life is bizarre.

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