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Different

I’ve always been different. I’ve always been shy and introverted. My family was lower middle class. It always seemed weird to me that the kids who got free lunches always had spending money, and I didn’t. As a kid, my clothes came from the Goodwill and Kmart.

I was one of the poorer kids bused to the school in the richer neighborhood. Those kids had all brand name clothes, shoes and purses. I was lucky if I had some sort of knock off. Those kids had fancy bar & bat mitzvahs. They wore the souvenir tshirts to school. We didn’t even have a house phone then. There was a period when we didn’t even have a tv in the house. It didn’t bother me, as long as I had my books, I was happy.

I was mostly invisible in high school. I wasn’t really bullied, because no one paid attention to me. I never once ate lunch in the cafeteria. I went to school in Miami, and we were allowed to eat outside or leave the campus. I usually got a boxed lunch, and sat outside by myself. The only class I really liked was French. During my junior year, I got to go to Paris and London with my French class. It was a great experience, in spite of almost being mugged by Gypsy girls in the Metro tunnel.

While in Paris, my friend, Carolyn and I went off on our own one day. These girls came out of nowhere, and swarmed us. They tried sticking newspapers under our noses to distract us as they tried to get into our purses. I yanked my purse away, and one of the girls did something. I punched her. They took off, and left us alone. We were pretty shaken by the time we got to the platform. There was a gendarme there, and we stood close to him. I was too shaken up to even try to tell him what happened.

I was pretty invisible in high school, but my senior year, I was the vice president of the French National Honor Society, and the secretary of the French Club. Being both kind of surprised me. I wasn’t usually one to bring any kind of attention.

College was a mostly good experience. I went to a small Christian college, with about 630 students. It was in northeast TN. it was the first time I lived somewhere where it snowed. I remember kids from up north talking about having snow days. They didn’t believe me when I said in Miami, we had riot days. And I wasn’t joking.

My first semester, I roomed with a girl from Indiana. She dated a guy from West Virginia. Mark is one of the sweetest guys, but being known as the roommate of the girl who answered to a pig call was embarrassing. My second semester, I roomed with a girl from the area. That was an experience. She said there were only 6 blacks students in her high school. That blew my mind.

My first semester, I dated a guy named Bob. He decided to dump me right before Valentines Day so he could ask some other girl out. And he was so ball-less, he did it by note right before chapel so I couldn’t even talk to him about it. Him dumping me was no big loss. But I dated him again my final semester (I only went two years) I figured I was leaving and not coming back, so why not. I “dated” Bob, but I actually hung out with my male friends Wayne and Brian more. I remember wearing Bob’s dorm sweatshirt to a restaurant while out with Wayne & Brian, and getting funny looks from other students from the college.

My roommate had a crush on a basketball player, so we both tended to pay attention to him and his roommate. For some reason, Dan, the roommate, thought I had a crush on him. I didn’t at all. I was in a study room with Bob one time at the Student Union. Dan burst in and started asking me if I was in love with Bob, and other stupid questions. I told him it was none of his business.

Bob provided a few interesting experiences. He was my first kiss, and my first blow job. The kiss actually happened in a classroom at night. The BJ happened on the steps that lead to a blocked basement door of my dorm. Keep in mind, this was a very small Christian college, we both could have been expelled. But like I said, I knew I was leaving, and didn’t care.

Bob also took me along when him and some friends were to a recording studio built into a guy’s basement. That was interesting. They recorded something for the guy.

My first job was as a waitress. Now, that was an experience. I kissed the cook, and he proceeded to sexually harass me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He got himself fired for being a jerk while trying to get me fired.

While working there, this one security guard used to come in. He found out I didn’t have a drivers license, and offered to teach me how to drive. I said yes. One night after work, he picked me up and we got a pizza. We went to the condo complex where he worked. He unlocked the clubhouse, and let us in. Then he locked the door the behind us. That should have been my first warning. But I was young, trusting and stupid. After the pizza, we talked, then we kissed. He got turned on. Somehow he mentioned that he had a wife. I tried to pull away, and told him to take me home. He proceeded to masturbate while keeping a death grip on my wrist. I was terrified. When he was done, he took me home. I told him to drop me off on the corner, and I walked the rest of the way. I took a shower when I got in the house. I didn’t know that considered a sexual assault.

I was sexually assaulted on my second job. I got groped by the guy who stalked me. I ended up having sex with another co worker that I liked, and was attracted to. I had little experience with men, I had no idea how to act after that. He never really asked me on a date. So we had sex one other time. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had actually dated him. He was a nice guy.

I decided to move to Delaware with my brother and his family. I survived living with them for almost a year. I got a car, and could finally move out. I got a job working graveyard shift at Denny’s. I ended up sharing an apartment with another waitress, her brother and a 16 year old guy. That was where I got drunk one night, and ended up starting an affair with a co worker. He was visiting my roommates, and the subject got on booze. I said I didn’t get drunk easy, and ended up getting drunk on Cisco.

I was stupid. I told him I was going to bed, and he could join me if he wanted. And he wanted to. I regret that decision. I never should have put the temptation there. I don’t think he had ever cheated on his wife before. They ended up getting divorced. I don’t know if my actions played a part in that, but I think it did.

I moved back to Miami in July of 1992. I was at a Denny’s applying for a job. The waiter there asked me out. We ended up dating for a short time. Thanks to him, I had sex on a beach, and in a by the hour, no-tell motel. I lost contact with him after Hurricane Andrew. Honestly, it didn’t bother me at all. He was a nice guy, but not forever material.

I came back to Delaware, and met my husband. I asked him out. Not a typical thing for me at all. But we’ve been together almost 22 years now.

I’m not your average person. I don’t claim to be. I’m just me. My life is made up of so many different things. I am different things to different people. Some people love me, and some people hate me. I don’t waste energy on hating anyone. All I can be is me.

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