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Being judgmental

I was at work tonight, and I got a phone call from my sister, Donna. Another one of my sisters just got admitted to the hospital. Sue has cancer in her brain, and on her lungs.

When I first learned of the cancer, the hard part of my heart thought that maybe it was karma. Sue had three kids by her first husband. Her husband was a crack head. I don’t know her side of the story, but my impression was always that she put her crack head husband before the kids. The kids were taken away from her, and they grew up in foster care. She went on to have two more kids by different men.

I try not to judge, but I’ve always judged her. I honestly can not understand how you put anything before your own children. I’ve always been jealous that she could pop out kids she didn’t want, and I could never have one.

When I got the phone call, I started crying. I have my issues with my sister, but I love her. She doesn’t have a very good chance of survival, and I’m sitting here thinking she somehow deserved it. (She has been a heavy smoker for over 30 years)

I have a hard time letting go of feelings, and just loving someone. I do believe in karma. What you put out into the universe eventually comes back to you. But does anyone deserve cancer?

My brother once asked me how I could have compassion for animals (at the time, I was very into volunteering at the local SPCA) but I couldn’t have compassion for my own sister (Sue) I said that at least the animals tried to be good parents.

It’s not up to me to judge my sister, I am far from a perfect person. I just don’t understand any of the decisions she’s made. Especially the ones she has made concerning her kids. Even more recently, her son decided he was petitioning to get custody of his younger sister because their step dad beat them. My sister knew this, and didn’t stop it. Even after my nephew was put in the hospital.

I feel like a horrible person. I love my sister, and I’m sorry she’s going through this. I need to quit being a jerk, and being judgmental. I need to just love her. Life is too short to be bitter.

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