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Side piece

I was talking to J early this morning. He kept going on about nick names. He doesn’t want to call me Ellen. He says it’s too formal. He wants to call me babe, or baby.

I don’t want that, I don’t think he should call me names that he calls his girlfriend. It’s disrespectful to both of us. And that’s not even taking into account that I’m older than he is.

He says we aren’t just friends. We are more than that. So I asked what we are. What is he to me? His answer was that he was my side piece.

But we aren’t lovers. We’ve never even met. How can he be my side piece? Honestly, how can he be anything to me? Why has he become so important to me?

We are friends, but we aren’t “just friends”. We never will be again. We have a history, even if it isn’t a physical one. We have a connection that neither of us can explain.

As much as I don’t want to be in love with him, I am. I will always have feelings for him. And that makes me an awful person, because I am married to a wonderful man. I love my husband. And that makes me disloyal to the man I pledged to love my entire life.

I still love my husband. If my love for him has changed, it’s only because it’s become stronger. So why the hell do I have feelings for someone I’ve never seen in person?

So, if J is my side piece, does that make me his? Are we both cheating on our partners because we love someone else too?

My husband knows about J. He’s known since last December. He decided he was going to allow me to keep talking to J, I just couldn’t meet him in person. I suppose he thought that the feelings would go away, and things would return to how there were before.

I thought that by now, the feelings would have faded. I accept that J is with his soul mate, he loves her and things are as they should be. I accept that even if we were both single, we could never work as a couple. So, why haven’t the feelings faded? Why do I still love him? Why can’t I let go?

I’m a broken record where he is concerned. I’ve gone over this so many times. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. But by keeping him as a friend, I stay in love with him. It sucks.

So, I’m a married, 47 year old woman who is the side piece to a 28 year old guy. And he is mine. Does it make me a cheater for having feelings for him? I’ve never touched him, and I’ve never met him.

There is no black and white here, just a million shades of gray. Some people say I’ve cheated just because I fell in love with him. Some people say the phone conversations are cheating. Some people say cheating requires physical contact.

I’m torn. We have something. But it’s not a concrete thing. We exist as something, and we have a history, but then again, we don’t.

Even if we stopped talking to each other, the feelings will still be there. I love him, even though I know I can never have him, or be with him. We will never have a future as a couple, but we do have a past.

My love for him coexists along with the love I have for my husband. I do love them both. My husband is a wonderful man, and all I ever wanted. J is a friend, and my emotions for him deepened without me even realizing it was happening. I can’t stop those feelings now.

Quite honestly, I thought that J would have tired of this a long time ago. I though he would have moved on when he fell for his girlfriend. I thought I would have wised up, and let go already. But neither of us have.

Does the friendship keep the love going? Does the love deepen the friendship? Is there an expiration date to this? Will it fade once he moves in with her?

Oh, geez. For now, I am a side piece to a much younger guy. And he is mine. Part of me is grateful that it only exist in online and phone conversations. But part of me wishes it was real as well, even though I know it would have disastrous ramifications.

Life is unpredictable, and weird. I never would have imagined you could fall in love online. I never would have thought someone so different would fall in love with me.

So, it is what it is. I love him, and he loves me. No, it isn’t a pure, innocent love. It has a sexual element to it. One that has never been realized, but it’s there. Yeah, he’s my side piece.

I’m sure if you’re reading this, you’re probably judging me. I used to be one of the judgmental people. I said I would never cheat. I haven’t physically cheated, but I did want to at a point.

Life is chaos, and you can’t predict things. And you especially can not predict human emotions. I had no idea this young guy would have fallen for me. I asked him about that last night. He said it was my fault, that I shouldn’t have been so lovable. All I could do was laugh.

I’m not going to lie. This has probably been one of the most traumatic events of my life. And I survived a category 5 hurricane, had a stalker, and was questioned in a murder. I have cried more tears in a year over him, than I did in 21 and a half years with my husband.

I’ve said it before, I’m a mess. I do love my husband, and I don’t keep saying that to convince myself that I do. I also love a 28 year old guy. I’m married, and have a side piece that I’m not actually cheating with. Life is weird, no doubt about it.

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