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Unwanted attraction

I went back to work several months ago. I was there one day, and this young girl walked in. My very first thought was that she was a lesbian. My very next thought was, Wow! I have never had such an immediate attraction to a female before.

The attraction is so inappropriate. She’s 30 years younger than I am. She’ll be 17 next month. I don’t have a desire to have sex with her. I’m not that much of a pervert. But she catches my eye every time she’s around me. Last week she was reaching for a shelf above my head, and her chest was right next to my head. It took every ounce of willpower I had, not to turn my face in her direction. I would have literally been mouth level to her breast. Ugh.

A few days ago, I didn’t notice her behind me. She was reaching for something out of the medicine cabinet. I turned around, and chest bumped her. Oh, I didn’t mind that at all.

She’s funny, and makes me laugh. She’s an interesting person too. Personality wise, she kind of reminds me of T. It seems I do have a type when it comes to females.

I also found out the other day, that she is a lesbian. My instincts were correct. It’s nice to know that I was right. But at the same time, I kind of feel sorry for her. I already had a conversation with her mother (who is a manager there) and her mom thinks being gay or bi is a sin.

Anyway, I am a 47 year old woman, who is married to a man. Being attracted to a girl is not something I want to deal with. But it seems like every time I think I have some kind of handle on life & my emotions, I get hit with something else. You literally can’t help who you are attracted to. And I am attracted to her. And I honestly couldn’t even say why. She attracts me like a magnet attracts metal.

My life is complicated enough. I love too many people already. All I can do is just accept the fact the attraction exists. It can never be acted on. I certainly don’t want anything from her. I’m convinced God has a wicked sense of humor. I used to say in my next life, I wanted a younger man. (My husband is 10 years older than I am, and can’t always keep up with me) So, God had me fall in love with a guy who is 18 years younger than I am, but I can’t ever be with him. Then I now go being attracted to someone 30 years younger?Β  Geez. Serious irony there.

Life is weird. That is my motto now. You don’t have a control over the people you’re attracted to, or who you fall in love with. You just have to accept it, and learn to let it be. I’m not happy about being attracted to a 16, almost 17 year old girl. But at the same time, I’m kind of glad that I can accept that being attracted to a female is not a weird thing. It feels natural to me. This is just another lesson I needed to learn. It’s ok to be attracted, but it certainly isn’t always appropriate and worthy of being acted on. (Not that I would anyway, I am married)

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11 thoughts on “Unwanted attraction

  1. Thanks for this very interesting and honest post πŸ™‚
    Do you think there should be a limit to the number of people we can be attracted to? Because at one point you say “I love too many people already”…

    Liked by 1 person

      • This is exactly what I meant πŸ™‚ Often people think there should be “the one” only one single significant person (sounds like a fairy tale), but in reality there can be “the ones” multiple significant people.

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      • My husband is my soul mate. I’d be lost without him. But the other two touch my soul in different ways too. I’ll always love them, even if there is no chance of a relationship.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Are those people single or they also are in a relationship with other people? I don’t know why I am asking this but I think the latter would be easier for you to remain platonic towards them…

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      • She is married to her wife. He just moved in with his girlfriend. They know my feelings, and we are friends. If you read back through my blog, it is explained there

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oddly enough, I’m cool with loving them and knowing there is no possibility of a relationship other than friendship. I needed him in my life for me to accept the fact that I’m bisexual. He needed me to prepare him for his girlfriend.

        The woman came into my life after I came out as bi. She was educational. And it’s nice to know that I can love a woman as easily as I can love a man. Me being in her life was a benefit to her as well.

        I’ve been told that talking to me is like therapy. So, it was mutually beneficial to him, and to her.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Believe me, I’ve cried many tears over the last two years. I never would have imagined being in love with more than one person. But I found out it is possible. I have just learned to enjoy what I can, and accept the rest.

        He is with his soul mate. She is with hers. I do cherish the friendship I have with both of them. Life is strange, and things don’t always make logical sense. But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t exist.

        Liked by 1 person

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