Last night, for the second night in a row, I stayed up past 3AM talking to someone special to me. Sunday night it was T. Our conversation was interesting, to say the least. It got very personal.
Last night, I talked to J until 3:30AM. We talk most days, but some days it feels like polite conversation. The “Hey, how are you doing?” kind. We talked on and off all day. We had fun, and joked around. It felt like old times. I really missed those conversations.
Part of our conversation focused on the past. It focused on the flirting, and playing around we used to do. That brought back many memories. For some reason, I was on Youtube, and I was listening to love songs while I was talking to him. It’s kind of amazing how you can be smiling, but have tears running down your face at the same time. I wasn’t sad, it was just a mix of emotions coming out in the form of tears.
Around 3AM, he decided he needed to finally go get some sleep (I was off today), but he wanted to call and say good night. So he called me. We talked for about 15 minutes. I loved hearing his voice again. I missed that. Nothing inappropriate was said, but that doesn’t matter. My body reacts to his voice no matter what the conversation is. I get turned on just talking to him.
Once again, I was forced to face the fact that I am still in love with him. I always will be to some degree. It becomes less all the time, but it’s still there. I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him. We are not suited for each other at all. Even if we were both single, it wouldn’t work. But that doesn’t stop me from loving him.
I finally went to bed around 3:30. I woke up at 6 to cook breakfast for my husband. I ended up going back to bed, and slept for a few more hours. When I woke up, I was extremely horny, and had to take care of myself. At some point, J showed up and starting talking to me in direct messages. He told me he reacted to the phone call too.
What a weird situation to be in. We both love each other, but we are in love with other people. I love my husband, he is my soul mate. J loves his girl friend, she is his soul mate. I know the rational thing would be to cut off communication with him. To block him out of my life. But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. We share a bond that I can’t explain, but it’s there and it’s very real.
When I finally got up for the day, I kind of felt drained. It might have been from the lack of sleep, but I think it’s more of an emotional drain. I’m still in love with my friend. I can say that I’m done with it all that I want to, but I’m not. Part of my heart is glad. I like knowing that he’s special to me. I like knowing that he still loves me too. I can be happy for him, and I honestly am. There is a part of me that is sad. The part of me that wishes I was the cause of his happiness. But I know I’m not, and that I never can be.
I never expected to be in this position. It still seems so odd. I love my 56 year old husband. He is the center of my world. But, somehow, I love a 28 year old guy as well. My husband wishes that J would go away, and leave my life. I understand that, and I wish I could comply. But I’m selfish, and I can’t. I’m grateful that David has not made me choose. I would choose him without a doubt, but it would hurt to no longer have J in my life. My husband is an awesome guy. He accepts that I do love someone else. He hates it, but he accepts that it is there.
My emotions are a mess. I love too easily. I have loved David for almost 22 years. I realized I loved J a year ago. I love K, she’s an awesome friend, and she literally changed my life. I love T as a friend. She amazes me. I can’t begin to describe the feelings she gives me. That a woman as incredibly smart, funny and hot as she is flirts with me absolutely blows my mind.
I draw energy from all of them. But at the same time, it is draining. You can love more than one person, but you can’t love them all equally. So anyway, I had an awesome conversation with J last night. It felt good. Yeah, I have to face that part of me is still in love with him, but it’s bearable. It’s good to know that he still cares as well. I just have to quit staying up until 3:30 talking to him. it does take a toll.