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Lessons learned

I’ve already written about falling in love with someone not my husband, but there are so many layers to that story. I became friends with a young guy on Twitter. We started talking, and it became a conversation that lasted several hours every night. Over a period of several months, things changed.
I can’t even tell you when they changed. My first indication was when I was talking to J, and someone else I had previously looked forward to talking to showed up. I was highly irritated that he interrupted my conversation with J.
Then one day, J tweeted some things that upset me. I thought he was possibly going to do something drastic. He wouldn’t respond to my messages. I tried calling him (even though I knew he wouldn’t answer) I was very upset, and started crying. In the middle of the crying, it hit me why I was so upset. I realized that I loved him. That I was in love with a guy 18 years younger than I was.
That was not a welcome realization. I love my husband. How could I have fallen in love with someone else? How could I not realize that it was even happening? And what did I do about it? I had no intention of telling him that. I was never looking for anything from him. And I knew nothing could come of it.
But, about a week later, he told me that he loved me. I know I probably shouldn’t have responded, but I couldn’t lie. I told him that I loved him. I never had any intention of leaving my husband. I didn’t love my husband any less.
So, here I was in love with two completely different men. My husband is white, and ten years older than I am. J is black, and 18 years younger. Both of them could make me laugh and smile. Both of them could make me feel special. Both of them loved me too.
I’m not stupid, I knew there was no real chance of us having a relationship. There were too many reasons why it wouldn’t work. But it was meant to happen. I needed it to happen. I needed to fall in love with him, because I needed him to teach me some lessons I really needed to learn. I needed him to help me accept who I am. I needed him in my life at that point in time.
It hurt being in love with him. I wanted to be a part of his life, and I knew I couldn’t be. I got jealous of his ex girlfriend when I watched him flirt with her on Twitter. It hurt that I was hiding things from my husband. It killed me that I knew he would be so hurt when he found out, and that he would eventually. I stressed about it.
But then one day, I just decided I was going to enjoy what I could, and let the rest go. I enjoyed the conversations. I loved that J could make me smile. He could make me laugh. I looked forward to talking to him every night.
I needed the relationship to happen, but so did he. Because he spent so much time interacting with me, it helped him deal with some things. One of the things that got me through the experience, is that in the back of my mind, I kind of felt like maybe my purpose was to get him ready for the person he was meant to be with.
I was actually right about that. In January, he asked a co worker out. He told me he wouldn’t have been able to do it before. They’ve been together ever since.
So, here I was, in love with my husband and in love with another man, who finally found his perfect person. It’s the strangest feeling to be happy for someone else, and sad for yourself at the same time. When he was telling me about her, I was smiling, and had tears running down my face at the same time.
I am truly glad that he’s happy. He found a woman who fits him, and who compliments his personality. He was always so sure he was meant to be alone, and I kept telling him that his person might not be ready yet. I had no idea that it would happen so soon after, but it did.
It’s been hard letting go. It happened a little at a time. There will always be a small part of me that stays in love with him. But I don’t want a relationship from him. There will always be a small part of me that’s attracted to him, but I don’t want anything physical from him either.
What I miss most is just talking to him like we used to. We still talk most days, but it has changed. It feels almost too polite sometimes. I admit I miss the flirting.
It was such a crazy experience. It was a wild ride, like a roller coaster with many twists and turns. But I’m glad it ended, because you can’t stay on a ride forever. I learned so much from it. I learned a lot about myself. He was a step in the process I needed to accept me for who I am.
I’m crying right now. I say that I’ve fallen out of love with him, and for the most part, I have. But part of me doesn’t want to let go. Part of me wants to hold on to that. And I can’t. It isn’t fair to him, it isn’t fair to my husband, and it isn’t fair to me.
I do believe in fate. It was meant to happen. I believe in serendipity. He was a pleasant surprise I never expected. I’m not going to lie, it felt good knowing that he loved me and that he wanted me. I will always have the smiles he brings when I think about some things.
I won’t miss the tears. He did hurt me several times, and then acted like I couldn’t be hurt because I was married. I won’t miss that attitude. I won’t miss the jealousy.
I miss the friendship we had in the beginning. But that is gone too. He doesn’t have the time to talk to me for hours every night. And that is a good thing. He gets to be with the woman who loves him back. I do envy her sometimes, but I’m not jealous of her. Things are the way they are supposed to be. He found his person.
As for me and my husband, things have changed with us too. I told him about J back in December. I probably could have kept it a secret, but I felt like I was lying. I never actually lied, but my husband didn’t know what was going on.
David was understanding very hurt and felt betrayed. My only saving grace is that I didn’t meet J in person, and there was never anything physical. David forgave me. He also believes that me being in J’s life was meant to happen. And he was very happy when J got his girlfriend.
Our marriage is actually stronger now than it was a year ago this time. David went to a doctor, and got treated for a skin condition that was unconsciously causing him to push me away. The entire experience made me appreciate David so much more. J taught me a lot of things I’m not willing to accept. J taught me that having a person who always has your back is very important. That having a person love you, and only you, is a powerful thing.
I love David, he is my soul mate. I could have very easily lost him because of my feelings for J, but he didn’t give up on me. And that means the world to me. He didn’t want to lose me. And I certainly never want to lose him.
All of this happened online. I fell in love with a man I hadn’t seen, and I hadn’t met. There was a part of me that wondered if this was some elaborate prank, and that I was being catfished. But no one would spend that amount of time on a prank. J does love me. I’m not sure if he was in love with me. The fact that he wouldn’t make an effort to meet me does that put in doubt. (He lives 165 miles away) But I don’t doubt that he does love me.
Life is so weird. I had no idea when I starting talking to J, that he would change my life. And that I would effect his. I’m glad that he’s happy. I’m glad my husband didn’t give up on us. And I’m glad I didn’t screw everything up.

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