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I need to forgive myself

I need to forgive myself for my mistakes. I need to let go of being angry. I need to stop being angry at myself for believing in empty promises. I need to let go feeling foolish for risking a good marriage to a wonderful man by believing I was in love in someone else.

I need to just stop it. I wake up feeling angry. My husband has forgiven me for my foolishness. He says let it go, and move on. I’m still stuck on how stupid I feel.

I do believe that he loves me, but I am beginning to doubt that he was ever in love with me. If you’re in love with a person, and live less than 200 miles away, I would think you would do your best to meet that person, As someone told me, they would walk the entire way if they had to. But apparently I’m not worth that effort.

I don’t know if it was a game, but I know I feel like I’ve been played. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that he thinks his actions are perfectly acceptable because he was single, but I’m wrong about everything and not allowed to feel hurt because I’m married. I was married when he told me he loved me. I never hid that. But it got thrown in my face every chance he got.

I needed it to happen in my life, because it was the catalyst I needed to make changes. But I’m still so angry at myself for hurting the man I truly loved. I’m angry that I risked my marriage for something with no substance.

I need to let go of the anger. I need to accept things, and move on. I need to accept that I’m human, and that I make mistakes. I need to put this in the past where it belongs. But what I need to do, and what I’m capable of doing are two different things. But right now, I’m still feeling angry. I keep feeling like I need to apologize to my husband.  He’s tired of the subject, and wants me to just drop it.

I need to forgive myself, and to let it go. Anger is not a good thing, especially when it’s turned inward. I fell in love with someone. It was not an intentional thing, it just happened. I couldn’t control that. What I could control were my actions, and that’s where I screwed up. I allowed myself to believe some kind of relationship was possible. It wasn’t.

So, I’m angry. I’m angry for feeling foolish. I’m angry because I believed in something. I’m angry because I hurt my husband. I’m angry because I’m angry. I no longer am in love with that person, but I continue to feel hurt. I angry because I wasn’t worth an effort. I’m angry because I almost threw away a marriage to a man who accepts me for just who I am, for a person who did his best to try to change me.

I need to accept that it was a fantasy. I live in reality. And my reality is having an awesome man who loves only me. ☺ My reality is a 21 year long relationship with my husband. My reality is the man who holds me when I cry, the man who always has my back, the man who loves only me and never made me doubt that. My reality is that I’m blessed.

My husband has forgiven me. I need to forgive myself. I did things I shouldn’t have, but they are in the past. Ok, it’s time to move on. What is done is done. It’s a new day. I did things that I shouldn’t have. I learned from them. I’m a better person for them, actually. I will let it go, and move on. I took a risk on love. It was something I needed to do. It happened, it is over, and time to focus on the future. I am no longer going to focus on the past.

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3 thoughts on “I need to forgive myself

  1. Very well said; there’s no point in remaining angry about this. Sure, a lot of us get ticked off when we could have been in control but weren’t and, sometimes, even thinking first before doing isn’t going to help retain control. I know a couple of people with, as they put it, “ironclad control” but I also wonder how much of their humanity they’ve given up to have this control.

    See, I would have forgiven you and maybe even wanted to have an interesting conversation with you about this episode because I long since learned that what you’re not supposed to do and what can happen aren’t even related to each other. Shit happens and some say it happens for a reason – and I’m the kind of guy who would want to know what happened in order for your episode to take place. But, of course, that’s me and I have a very different mindset about being married; you shouldn’t get your ass kicked and handed to you just because you’re human.

    The only thing “bad” I would say – and with the hopes that you don’t get offended – is that this wasn’t a fantasy – it was very much real because it did happen so in forgiving yourself, I’d suggest that you not deceive yourself by calling it an unreal situation – I know too many people who have done exactly that and, well, if you’re gonna be honest with yourself about it, be totally honest and accept that, yep, you fell in love with some dude and while it didn’t have the “desired” results and caused pain, some very positive things grew out of the ruins.

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    • My emotions were very real. But it was a fantasy in the sense that nothing real life would have come from it. I’m beginning to believe he was in love with the fantasy, not with me. He refused to meet me because it would have ruined the fantasy. Or maybe he couldn’t because of his social anxiety. I will never know. I’ll probably never meet him in person even though he only lives three hours away.

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      • Well, just because it might not have been real to him doesn’t mean it wasn’t real for you, right? Thus, if it was real for you, then it wasn’t fantasy – it just didn’t go the way you may have wanted to but it all turned out to be even better for you and because he wouldn’t meet you.

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